Author: Allison Hurst

The Dangers of “TikTok Psychology”

Posted on | by Allison Hurst

Most of us have probably found ourselves late-night scrolling on social media, sometimes as a subconscious way to zone out the problems of the day or avoid worries brewing under the surface.

We use it to turn our brains “off,” or to escape for a moment in-between responsibilities. Goodness, I have even done it while trying to wade through the massive amount of information that arose in writing this article.

Just a little brain break, right? It can turn so quickly into precious minutes lost.

There are positive aspects to social media, of course. I mean, who doesn’t love to crowd-source ideas for the best pumpkin bread recipes and find hacks for getting stains off the carpet?

Then, there is that warm sense of understanding we may find. In early postpartum I felt connected to other moms in the late-night hours, reading about bedtime routines, sleep deprivation, and ways to build attachment with my daughter. I didn’t feel so alone in those moments.

But what is the net value of social media usage? I think about this question all the time.

I often consider the impact of “constant scrolling” on the teenage brain: specifically, what it must be like for teenagers who are bombarded with mental health content algorithms, late at night in their rooms, hurting and alone, watching video after video of information that may or may not be fully true or applicable.

Stories of suicides and eating disorders, stays in inpatient psychiatrist hospitals, and personality disorders start coming with fervor and simply do not slow down. It is easy for someone, especially a teen, to feel connected to pieces of another person’s story and suddenly pathologize their own experiences, whether the diagnosis is accurate or not.

Mental health experts are beginning to recognize trends of over-identifying, self-diagnosing, and even copy-catting of mental health symptoms from teens and adults alike due to a new influx of what some have deemed “TikTok psychology,” or learning about one’s mental health on social media [1, 2, 8].

Without individualized care from a professional, young people’s searches for mental health support can quickly turn into more intensified problems.

As a culture that has information at our fingertips, we must daily strengthen the muscle of discernment as we engage with social media platforms.

But for adolescents, that discernment muscle is still a wee little thing (as it should be at this stage; the prefrontal cortex does not fully develop until age 25 in some cases). Adolescents are still building essential brain pathways meant to help with decision making and impulse control.

Adults should be committed to modeling and openly discussing the importance of healthy relationships with social media, particularly social media that targets mental health content.

For the purpose of this article, I created a Tik Tok account today and set my age as 13. I then searched for mental health content, and began to scroll. Friends, it was heavy. These are topics that

require back-and-forth conversations, in a setting where a child can ask questions from a trusted adult in a safe space.

One video, posted by an actual (allegedly) licensed professional counselor urged individuals who struggle with fidgeting to consider if they may have clinical anxiety or clinical depression.

Imagine if I was actually a 13-year-old girl (who happens to fidget) who was watching this? Now what do I wonder about myself after watching this video? And what do I search for next? Yep, symptoms of depression and anxiety. And the snowball rolls, and I begin to create self-fulfilling prophecies about these diagnoses I may have.

While an adult or even an older teenager may recognize that fidgeting is not a singular qualifier of a mental health diagnosis, a 13-year-old may not be so savvy to think this through.

You know what COULD be the issue for my hypothetical 13-year-old self? Maybe I really have ADHD. Or maybe I have no diagnosis at all, but a series of videos meant for someone with a stronger discernment muscle have convinced me there is a real issue here.

And now these increasingly darker and more chilling videos about depression and mental health flood my feed. The chances of me asking questions about it to an adult in my life is pretty slim. After all, I am feeling connected to the stories of other people with issues I now align with.

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I am aware of the divisive nature of this topic. And I’m not here to villainize a certain social media platform as “all bad” or all-out praise it, either. I am asking individuals of all ages to approach this topic with openness and thoughtfulness.

And though we focus specifically on Tik Tok for this discussion, there are rising concerns about a number of social media platforms that may contribute to the mental health discussions at hand.

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance shares that

the more time a person spends on social media, the more likely they will experience mental health symptoms such as anxiety, isolation, and hopelessness. And according to one recent study, high levels of social media use over the span of four years was associated with increased depression among middle and high school youths [17].

We also know that, during the coronavirus pandemic, TikTok users aged 15-25 grew by 180% [2].

Our young people are yearning for connection, probably even more so than the average adult; adolescence is marked by increased desire to seek relationships and build interpersonal skills. It is a part of growing into a balanced individual to practice having different kinds of relationships during this time of life.

But if those interpersonal skills are only being practiced from behind a screen, it could be that major developmental markers are being missed in an entire generation.

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Earlier this year, both the United States Surgeon General and the American Psychological Association (APA) released health advisories regarding social media use and its impact on the mental health of young people. [1, 5 15, 16].

The U.S. Surgeon General’s statement shared that “up to 95% of youth ages 13-17 report using a social media platform, with more than a third saying they use social media ‘almost constantly’” [15].

So whatever our feelings are about social media, we cannot deny that some ground rules for use would be helpful.

Thankfully, the APA offered just that: 10 recommendations for youth who engage on social media platforms. While these are helpful, it should be recognized that some of these recommendations are all but impossible to actually monitor from a parenting standpoint.

Content is constantly being created online, and algorithms ensure that the content someone searches and likes becomes the central focus of content that is continued to be given to them. Actual monitoring to ensure the type and amount of content that a teen or child is receiving is impossible to quantify.

Thus, I urge parents to recognize that these recommendations exist to educate parents and adults, not as an actual achievable set of guidelines.

What is achievable, however, is modeling healthy engagement practices with social media, and having ongoing conversations about tech hygiene .

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Many of you may know that In the spring of 2021, Tik Tok released its new “Wellness Hub,” meant to connect users to content particularly related to the areas of Food & Nutrition, Fitness, Life Advice, and Mindfulness [9]. I have faith that the intention was positive: to give individuals a place to source information and build a sense of community support on wellness topics.

But while many content creators and influencers are licensed professionals who are using the platform to share pertinent information, a host of them are not trained in these areas at all. And as we have discussed before, even professional opinions can be misunderstood as a way to wrongly self-diagnose, especially when younger viewers are engaging in “constant use” of social media.

This does not even account for the Tik Tok trends that have proven to be outright fatal or dangerous.

There are plenty ways to help your child built autonomy and independence, and respect their privacy without handing them a handheld computer and algorithm-based apps without setting some serious boundaries.

Does that feel like a major task to approach alone? Thankfully, new groups such as Osprey (Old School Parents Raising Engaged Youth), and even silicon valley professionals themselves are rallying to encourage parents to delay certain tech and social media usage for their children [11].

Your child may still feel like the “only ones” not engaging in social media spaces, but they are not. These families are banding together and providing spaces where families hesitant to let their children on social media can connect with each other and find comradery.

Children need us to set standards so that they can identify a baseline approach to operating in this world in a healthy way. Will we rise to the challenge or follow the path of least resistance? The answer to this question may determine the next generation’s ability to self-regulate and operate in basic community relationships. No pressure, right?

 

References:

1. American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Health Advisory on social media use in adolescence. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/social-media-internet/health-advisory-adolescent-social-media-use

2. Calling dr. Tiktok: Experts weigh in on an alarming social-media trend. Calling Dr. TikTok: Experts Weigh In on an Alarming Social-Media Trend | Giving. (2022). https://give.as.virginia.edu/news/story/calling-dr-tiktok-experts-weigh-alarming-social-media-trend

3. CCDH. (2022, December 15). New report: Deadly by design. Center for Countering Digital Hate | CCDH. https://counterhate.com/research/deadly-by-design/

4. Center for Countering Digital Hate | CCDH. (2022, December 15). https://counterhate.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/CCDH-Deadly-by-Design_120922.pdf

5. Hatmaker, T. (2023, May 10). American Psychology Group Issues Recommendations for Kids’ social media use. TechCrunch. https://techcrunch.com/2023/05/09/american-psychology-org-releases-guidelines-for-kids-social-media-use/

6. Hurst, A. (2022, May 23). Your brain on social media. ChristianWorks. https://www.christian-works.org/your-brain-on-social-media/

7. Is social media threatening teens’ mental health and well-being? Columbia University Irving Medical Center. (2021, May 20). https://www.cuimc.columbia.edu/news/social-media-threatening-teens-mental-health-and-well-being

8. Kelly, S. M. (2023, July 20). Teens are using social media to diagnose themselves with ADHD, autism and more. parents are alarmed | CNN business. CNN. https://www.cnn.com/2023/07/20/tech/tiktok-self-diagnosis-mental-health-wellness/index.html

9. Malik, A. (2023, May 15). Tiktok adds a new mental health awareness hub to provide users access to resources. TechCrunch. https://techcrunch.com/2023/05/15/tiktok-new-mental-health-awareness-hub-access-resources/

10. Mello-Klein, C. (2023, September 12). Is TikTok helping autistic people self-diagnose? new research shows role app plays in diagnosis. Northeastern Global News. https://news.northeastern.edu/2023/09/01/self-diagnosing-autism-tiktok/

11. Nathani, K. (2018, August 30). The techpreneurs of Silicon Valley are keeping their families away from technology. should you too?. Entrepreneur. https://www.entrepreneur.com/en-au/technology/the-techpreneurs-of-silicon-valley-are-keeping-their/319288

12. Orben, A., Tomova, L., & Blakemore, S.-J. (2020, August). The effects of social deprivation on adolescent development and Mental Health. The Lancet. Child & adolescent health. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7292584/

13. Rogers, K., LaMotte, S., & Marples, M. (2022, December 28). The Tiktok Wellness Trends we should and shouldn’t take into 2023, according to experts. CNN. https://www.cnn.com/2022/12/28/health/tiktok-trends-best-worst-2022-wellness/index.html

14. Siegel, M. (2023, March 27). How tiktok can harm your teen’s mental health. New York Post. https://nypost.com/2023/03/26/how-tiktok-can-harm-your-teens-mental-health/

15. Social Media and youth mental health – hhs.gov. (2023, May 23). https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/sg-youth-mental-health-social-media-advisory.pdf

16. Surgeon general issues new advisory about effects social media use has on Youth Mental Health. HHS.gov. (2023, May 23). https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html

17. Tiktok and Youth Mental Health: Weighing the pros and cons. Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. (2022, July 25). https://www.dbsalliance.org/education/newsletters/tiktok-and-youth-mental-health/

18. Umay. (2022, September 15). What is “tech hygiene”? Umay. https://umay.rest/blogs/post/what-is-tech-hygiene

Cultivating a Healthy Marriage in a Season of Littles (or big kids!)

Posted on | by Allison Hurst

The other afternoon, my daughter and I took some time to sit on our front porch and share a snack. It was around the time neighbors were pouring back into the neighborhood from being gone all day at work or school. We saw the usual cars and returned waves to some familiar faces, but then I noticed something. Within a 30 minute span or so, a mother of 4 school-aged kids who lives diagonally from us came and left from her house at least a handful of times; each time she pulled up to the front, a different collection of children poured out, and another set would climb on in. I giggled a little about the differences between our stages of parenting; about how maybe I clean up more spills and manage more tantrums, but I am not yet an afternoon transit system.

I have a feeling that parenthood doesn’t get any easier. Or at least, some aspects get easier as others become more complicated. It can be an easy trap to assume that we will have more time to focus on our spousal relationships “after she’s out of diapers” or “when he is finally in school.” While it can be helpful to remember that “this particular season of life is not forever,” let’s avoid using this as a reason to put sour marriages on the backburner. Wisdom from amazing parents before me says that busy-ness only seems to compound as children grow.

This is no easy task, but it is an important one for ourselves and for our children.

Research by John Gottman, relationship guru extraordinaire, indicates that around 67% of couples struggle with a decrease in marital satisfaction after becoming parents [3].

Some studies suggest that the tension between caring for children and finding connection with a spouse is even more difficult for women [6].

Whatever the statistics, it is no secret that many barriers exist to maintaining healthy and intimate relationships after becoming parents. But we must remember that marriages are the backbone of family life. Marital discontent impacts your children, too [3]. Shelley Hummel, an LMFT who works with couples struggling with balancing a healthy marriage and parenthood says this:

“Our most important role as parents is to provide love in a safe and secure environment. A secure environment consists of many things, but primarily the secure relationship between the two parents” [5].

Your child’s feelings of security begin with the tone of your household. Even very young children who cannot communicate yet are feeling and seeing your interactions with your spouse and other children, and are building what they know and understand about the world and relationships based on these observations. If passive aggression, silent treatments, and cold shoulders rule the day, children will accept these relational behaviors as the norm.

It is easy to make the children the absolute center of the relationship; but experts agree that this can create a longterm detriment to both your marriage and the family at large [5].

“A child centered marriage is good for no one,” Shelley Hummel says. And I agree. When your children leave to create lives and routines independent of the ones in your house, you will look to your right and see your spouse. They will still be there, with hopefully decades of life left to share together. Have you lost each other along the way, or have you parented in lock step and with commitment to maintaining connection to one another?

Obviously we want the connection.

But how do we get there? How do we nurture the romantic relationship that built this family while also making sure the family itself continues to thrive?

It begins with intentionality and honesty.

Make the time for each other, and make that time count.

The most frustrating (albeit truthful) piece of advice given to couples with children is to

Keep dating your spouse!

We are told to carve out quality time for each other. Yet some of us may have what feels like 30 seconds to use the restroom alone; how do we also focus on the needs of our spouse when raising children feels like an all-encompassing endeavor?

Friends, I ask myself these same questions. I think the first thing we must do is to re-think what dating your spouse” looks like. Traditional date nights may be few and far between, and they may not even be what each of you is needing to fulfill your intimacy needs, anyway.

Sometimes you may need some leisure time, and sometimes you may need space to dig deep into your relationship. Recognizing what is needed in the moment is key; if you haven’t already created the opportunity in your calendar to communicate what these needs are, the time will pass you by.

As with most parenting topics that pop into my brain, I took this one to the professionals: the women who have gone before (and are learning alongside) me. I asked them,

What are some creative examples of how to date your spouse when you have kids?

Check the bottom of this article to see their ideas!

We must also remember, however, that spousal connection goes far beyond the occasional date night or leisure activity. It means building in regular, day-to-day opportunities to hear and observe each other’s needs. These moments do not need to be weighty additions to your schedule, but rather a pattern of check-ins and rituals that say

I see you.

How are you?

We are in this together.

Chris Windle, a father of young twins, shares in an article for the online publication Fatherly that cultivating a relationship with his wife is

a matter of accepting the calamity while maintaining the initial spirit of our relationship [10].

I love this perspective.

This begins with talking about what your needs are in your relationship and which are most important to you.

Remember:

  • Most likely, not all of these needs will be met all of the time. After all, there are small people running around your house with a whole lot of needs, too.
  • You will probably have different needs than each other, and that is okay. Just like in your relationship prior to having children, there must be a give-and-take kind of attitude, seasoned with grace, as you seek to serve one another the best you can with what you have in your energy tank at the time.
  • Make sure not to skip out on sexual intimacy. But also, make room for nonsexual, connecting touch. This can be especially important for a spouse who may feel “touched out” by the end of a day with children. Sometimes small touches throughout the day can help accomplish this just as much as a cozy snuggle session on the couch. For many people, a high-pressure hug literally regulates the body. Discuss with your spouse what kind of nonsexual touch is regulating for them.
  • Know that silence is okay. Being physically together and silent is still a connective experience if that is what one of you needs that day.
  • Problem-solve parenting concerns TOGETHER. Remember that you are on the same team. Give lots of high fives, both actually and metaphorically.
  • Allow your children to see your love for one another. My personal goal is to make my children roll their eyes at our PDA as much as possible over the next couple of decades. Your children deserve to see that you can raise them well and remain delighted in your marriage.
  • Seek couples counseling early and often. (See our previous blogs about couples counseling for more info!)

Creative ideas for dating your spouse:

  • Make a plan for when you will connect with each other, and be consistent. For example, schedule a once a quarter “staycation” while the kids are at grandma’s, or know that Sunday evenings are for your favorite show + popcorn.
  • Switch with another couple and babysit for each other once a month
  • Movie and quiet dinner at home after the kids go to bed
  • Let the kids have a movie night while you chat, snack, and giggle in the next room.
  • Strap a baby in a carrier and still go to that event! While alone time is crucial, it is okay to invite your children into your interests when you can.
  • Show interest in your spouse’s hobbies.
  • Have a balance of leisure and serious time.
  • Take a day off of work together; alternate who gets to plan the activities on these days you play hooky!
  • Get outside after bedtime; breathe fresh air together. You can just as easily take a baby monitor to your patio as you can to your living room.
  • And lastly, one of my very favorites that we actually began in our household this year: Hold a “state of the household” meeting at the beginning of the year when you can get a sitter for an extended period of time. Talk about your personal, spiritual, and familial goals. Pray for each of your children and discuss what your vision for the coming months may be. Use this time to plan those other date nights out in advance! Then enjoy yourselves and the time together; celebrate the joys and victories of the year before.

References:

1. Bogdan, I., Turliuc, M. N., & Candel, O. S. (2022). Transition to parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 13. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.901362

2. Claxton, A., & Perry-Jenkins, M. (2008). No fun anymore: Leisure and marital quality across the transition to parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family, 70(1), 28–43. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00459.x

3. Dingfelder, S. (2011, October). Must babies always breed marital discontent?. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/10/babies

4. Guzzo, K. B., & Lee, H. (2008). Couple relationship status and patterns in early parenting practices. Journal of Marriage and Family, 70(1), 44–61. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00460.x

5. Hummel, S. (2020, February 24). A child-centered marriage: Good for no one. The Align Center for Couples. https://www.shellyhummeltherapy.com/blog/a-child-centered-marriage-good-for-no-one

6. Kowal, M., Groyecka-Bernard, A., Kochan-Wójcik, M., & Sorokowski, P. (2021). When and how does the number of children affect marital satisfaction? an international survey. PLOS ONE, 16(4). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0249516

7. Nomaguchi, K. M. (2012). Parenthood and psychological well-being: Clarifying the role of child age and parent–child relationship quality. Social Science Research, 41(2), 489–498. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssresearch.2011.08.001

8. Nomaguchi, K. M., & Milkie, M. A. (2003). Costs and rewards of children: The effects of becoming a parent on adults’ lives. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(2), 356–374. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00356.x

9. What years of marriage are the hardest?. Brown Family Law. (2022, March 18). https://www.brownfamilylaw.com/people-also-ask/what-years-of-marriage-are-the-hardest/

10. Windle, C. (2018, July 19). My trick for maintaining a healthy marriage in the midst of toddler chaos. Fatherly. https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/maintain-sanity-marriage-when-you-have-kids

The First Three Years: An Encouraging Letter to New Dads

Posted on | by Allison Hurst

I told my husband that I was pregnant during his lunch break one February Tuesday.

We were smack in the middle of an ice storm that had resulted in a large portion of the DFW metroplex being without electricity, and the temps were resting in single digits for days on end. As one of the lucky houses to keep the coveted trifecta of power, water, and WiFi, we had few excuses not to work remotely, so my husband continued to trudge through his busy-season spreadsheets as we waited out the storm and checked on friends the best we could.

In the span of the half-hour break he had from work, I shared the news we had both hoped for and somewhat expected. And yet, it was still a shock to his system. I think he paced our living room for the entire rest of the workday.

You see, even in the early stages of a pregnancy, women tend to connect to the idea of a child more readily. The nausea, the brain fog and exhaustion, and strange food cravings or aversions make the presence of a new life quite evident—despite the challenges of these symptoms. We have (usually) around nine months to feel the changes of a child in utero.

But for dads, even though they are actively watching a belly grow and fielding demands for greasy carbohydrates, they sometimes do not necessarily grasp the reality of parenthood as quickly as women do until a piercing cry fills the room.

Yet, Dads are a vital aspect to the wellbeing of a child from prenatal development onward, and their confidence in their role as fathers is of great importance to the health of the family system.

This is one of the topics that ChristianWorks cares strongly about. Good dads are important, and we seek to help new, pacing dads recognize that they are capable and that they have what it takes to succeed as a father.

Click here to read a previous year’s article on International Father’s Mental Health Day, Cheers to the Good Ones.

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There is a whole lot of hype in the child development world about “the first three years” of life, due largely in part to the rapid development of the brain during this time. It is estimated that “1 million neural connections per second” are made in the first 36 months of a child’s life [9].

A child develops more quickly in his or her first 3 years than at any other point in the lifespan [6, 9]. Ongoing research confirms for us that one of the strongest predictors (if not the strongest predictor) of healthy development in early childhood is a stable, nurturing relationship with caregivers. The Fatherhood Project asserts that a fathers “emotional engagement” and “active participation” promotes positive outcomes for children in several areas of life: social and emotional stability, academic performance, and behavioral regulation [7]. A father’s intentional presence is also found to be a “significant protective factor against high-risk behaviors” throughout both childhood and adolescence [7].

This research means that fathers are not just a nice additional relationship for a child to have but are a dominant force in the trajectory of a child’s life.

An encouraging aspect of this is that the specific amount of time a father spends with a child is not always the biggest determining factor for positive outcomes; it is the level of emotional engagement that exists when he is present with his children that proves the most beneficial (TFP).

The following tips are meant to encourage men in these first years of parenthood. You are indispensable, and we want to help you be the best version of yourself.

Dear New Dads,

Mom may seem like the MVP right now, but your role is incredibly vital. Your support in the early days and months of your child’s life is not actually as complicated as it may seem; your presence and participation in basic caregiving activities is needed most of all. Research shows that skin-to-skin contact between newborns and their fathers promotes better sleep and regulatory abilities than newborns who went to the hospital nursery [10]. Your connections to your child continue to build when you change diapers, facilitate bath time, soothe your child, talk and sing to them, etc. The goal of infancy and beyond is building a relationship and connection to your child [10].

One study even identified that “children with fathers who were more involved with them in infancy displayed a lower level of mental health symptoms at age 9 than those with minimal paternal input in infancy” [10].

You can still be helpful even if you are not the default parent. A default parent is the family’s “first responder.” The default parent (who is usually mom) is not the “favorite” or “better” parent, but she is the parent who has been identified by the children as the go-to for most concerns, large and small. From my own observations, this phenomenon typically tends to even out a little more as children grow and seek different kinds of advice and support from each parent. But especially while children are small, it is natural for a default parent to exist in a family system.

I recently saw a viral video clip from a family’s Ring doorbell in which a couple of young children called their mother, who was at the grocery store, to tell her that their tablets were not charged. Their father was only around the corner from the camera.

Default parenting can be difficult on the first responder, who feels like they are managing countless tasks and requests. We call this the “mental load” of parenting. But also, the other parent can be impacted by not being a default parent, too. It can be easy for the other parent to feel boxed out of family schedules or routines, or feel unneeded in household management.

Open and honest discussions about default parenting in your house can be incredibly beneficial. But be advised that the goal of these conversations is not to make the work of parenting perfectly 50/50.

Honestly, the workload of parenting will never be absolutely “fair” on a day to day basis; trying to make it completely fair is a fast track to bitterness in your marriage or parenting relationship. But there are still ways you can offer to help lessen the mental load and task management that the default parent in your house may be experiencing. Open conversations and open eyes to helping in new ways can support the health of both your marriage and your child.

Remember this: Just because you may not feel you are not “good” at something does not mean you can’t be. Never washed a bottle before, or never had to google how long breastmilk can be in the fridge? Well, neither has Mom. Never changed a diaper before? Her either. Learning these new tasks can be done together and set the standard that the default parent does not have to operate in isolation.

I understand that parenting requires sacrifice. I refuse to sugarcoat this fact. Parenting demands of us tiny and large parts of us at every turn. Sometimes the trendy narrative about parenting lends itself toward over-the-top complaints about the effort involved in parenting. And truly, I get it. Parenting is hard. But also….it was meant to be. You are the catalyst for your child learning how to operate in the world. You are literally helping start a human from scratch with the help of some genetic background and the Lord. It is going to be hard. But it does not make the experience impossible or unfathomable.

Gary Thomas, in his book Sacred Parenting writes,

kids’ needs are rarely ‘convenient.’ What they require in order to succeed rarely comes cheaply. To raise them well will require daily sacrifice of many kinds, which has the wonderful spiritual effect of helping mold us into the character of Jesus Christ himself [p. 197]

He also shares,

Without sacrificing ourselves, we can’t really appreciate Christ’s sacrifice—which means that children, which all the demands they place on us, usher us into a deeper understanding of and even an astonishment at what God has done on our behalf [p. 206]

One fascinating study suggests that a “commitment to parenthood” carries more importance that biology in terms of the impact of fatherhood [2]. Here’s lookin’ at you, step-dads and uncles and grandpas! Your intentional decision to be truly present in the life of a child has lifelong ramifications.

Your parenting sacrifices will not only benefit your child, but will also benefit you. The Fatherhood Project discusses how the role of parenting is actually a large part of adult development. When someone assumes the role of parent, seasons of drastic transitions lead to seasons of personal growth that, when approached in a healthful and supportive manner, extend to growth in other areas of life too, such as professionalism, academia, relationships, or morality [2].

The community at large needs you to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally!

Your Fatherhood role is important, and your sacrifices have benefits, but these facts cannot be separated from the reality that parenting is challenging. It is likely that you will need some level of support along the way.

According to Postpartum Support International, Postpartum Health is a men’s issue, too.

One in ten dads gets postpartum depression, and up to 18% develop a clinically significant anxiety disorder such as generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder at some point during the pregnancy or the first year postpartum [4].

Visit this site for a variety of resources to support you in your fatherhood journey. Or, contact ChristianWorks to learn about our free counseling services for any expectant parent or a parent of a child under 36 months of age.

Your faith development journey is important for your child and in your marriage.

One way to develop a network of other fathers seeking to be present in the lives of their children is to be connected to a local church. Your faith journey impacts not only yourself, but your family and the people around you. I highly recommend the book Sacred Parenting that is quoted throughout this article.

Maybe you are wondering how to talk about faith to a person so small? The Ages and Stages Levels of Biblical Learning booklet published by Lifeway has been a huge help to our family! It breaks down topics of the Christian faith into developmentally appropriate categories to help you have discussions with the tiniest of humans about what you believe.

 

Mostly, Know that we are rooting for you!

You are not alone.

You don’t have to have it all figured out.

Parenting is hard.

But–it is doable, and you are capable.

 

References:

1. The daddy factor: How fathers support development. Zero to Three. (2016, February 22). Retrieved April 14, 2023, from https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/the-daddy-factor-how-fathers-support-development/

2. The Fatherhood Project. (2014). Research Review The Fatherhood Project at MGH. Boston; Massechusett’s General Hospital.

3. First3Years Home Page. First3Years. (2022, December 15). Retrieved April 14, 2023, from https://first3yearstx.org/

4. Help for Dads. Postpartum Support International (PSI). (2023, March 6). Retrieved April 113, 2023, from https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-dads/

5. Lifeway Christian Resources. (2021). Ages and stages: Levels of biblical learning a discipleship framework for church and home. Nashville, TN; Lifeway Press. Retrieved from https://s7d9.scene7.com/is/content/LifeWayChristianResources/ages_stages_levels_of_biblical_learningpdf.pdf .

6. Ray, D. C. (2016). A therapist’s Guide to Child Development: The extraordinarily normal years. Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.

7. The research. The Fatherhood Project. (n.d.). Retrieved April 14, 2023, from https://www.thefatherhoodproject.org/schools/the-research/

8. Thomas, G. (2017). Sacred parenting: How raising children shapes our souls. Zondervan.

9. Why 0-3? Zero to Three. (2022, August 26). Retrieved April 14, 2023, from https://www.zerotothree.org/why-0-3/

10. Yogman, M. W., & Eppel, A. M. (2021). The role of fathers in child and family health. Engaged Fatherhood for Men, Families and Gender Equality, 15–30. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-75645-1_2