Author: ChristianWorks

How to Talk to Your Kids After a Tragedy

Posted on | by ChristianWorks

By Kimberly J. Daily, MA, LPC

From shootings and bombings to fires, tornados and other natural disasters, our nation has faced so many tragedies lately.  Technology helps us to stay informed and with the television’s non-stop coverage of these events, we sometimes witness hours of stories, videos and pictures of devastation.  We know our kids are seeing all of this along with us and so the big question we hear from parents and teachers is, “How do we talk to kids about what is happening or what might happen?”

Kids can tell when something tragic is happening and so it is best to talk about it and not just try to ignore it or brush it off with “it’ll be okay, don’t worry about it”.  Often times they will see right through this and come up with answers to their own questions and fears that are worse than reality.  Therefore, it is best to answer questions as they ask. You don’t have to answer them in detail. Many times a little bit of information goes a long way with a child.

It is also important when talking to children about tragedies to reflect back to them their feelings and thoughts. For example, if a young boy asks, “Can a shooter come in my school?” you might respond by saying, “It sounds like you are scared or worried a shooter might come into your school”.  Or, if a young girl says, “Will there be more tornados?”  You might respond, “You are frightened of another tornado.”  From there the child may express other fears or specific concerns. It is not wise to tell the child something will not happen if there is a possibility that it could happen.  Instead, talk about what is being done to prevent it from happening again or what can be done to help keep the child safe. Talk about the safety drills they practice and how the adults are there to help protect them.

Lastly, realize that children will feed off of your emotions. So, if you are freaking out about something, your child will most likely do the same. It is best to admit how you feel and figure out how to best be safe or call for help if you need it.  Do not talk to your kids about all your fears and “what ifs”. Give them reassurance that you will do whatever you need to do to protect them.

Our kids will naturally have questions because they want to know that they are safe. We can help them by acknowledging their feelings, answering their questions, staying calm, offering them a safety plan, and reassuring them that we and other adults are there to protect them. And for you, know that it is okay to not have all the answers.

Keeping Communications Open

Posted on | by ChristianWorks

By: Kenneth J Doka, PhD

Throughout a time of loss, it is critical to keep communication with a child open.  Only by doing so can we truly understand the ways that the child is experiencing grief, allay any fears the child may have, and support the child in his or her grief journey.

This means that we need to answer the child’s questions in clear and honest ways.  Two rules can help us here.  The first rule is to always understand the context of the question.  Gee, that is an interesting question, what made you ask that? Such a question helps clarify the child’s concerns or fears.  Then always answer in a way that is honest but also keeps the conversation going.  A simple yes or no leaves little room for further discussion.  For example suppose a child asks if you are going to die.  A response like Most people live until they are old, even old enough to see you children or grand children – that’s why Mommy always buckles her seatbelt and stopped smoking so she could live, I hope, a long life, is both truthful and reassuring.

It is also helpful to be direct.   The romantic stories we may weave and the euphemisms that we use might only frighten and confuse the child.  It is best to give simple, honest, and direct answers appropriate to the child’s developmental level.  If we do not have an answer, it is good to simply say so.  I do not know why Grandma had to die.  I miss her – what do you miss most about her?

A Sacred Moment of Healing Made Possible by a Meal

Posted on | by ChristianWorks

You just never know how much you do for others can make a difference in their lives.  Recently ChristianWorks for Children Development Director Carol Pauley discovered how the many “small” kindnesses extended to families at GriefWorks makes a huge impact on their lives, their well being and their futures.  GriefWorks (www.grief-works.org)  is the free support group ministry for children ages 5-18 and their adult family members at ChristianWorks (www.christian-works.org) .

Carol was standing in the check out line at a local Wal-Mart when the lady in front of her turned around and excitedly announced, “Oh, you’re with GriefWorks!  My children and I used to come to sessions there after my husband died.”

The conversation continued with the former GriefWorks parent sharing with Carol just how much GriefWorks had meant to her and her children during one of their lives’ darkest times. “Is Pat Scott still there at GriefWorks?” asked the mom.  When Carol assured her that Pat was still leading the GriefWorks adult group, the lady added, “Please tell Pat how much I appreciated what she did for me and my children in those group sessions.  I can never thank her enough.”

“And are those dear, sweet volunteers still providing the home-cooked meals to the families before they go into their GriefWorks groups?” she asked Carol.  For twelve years generous volunteers have prepared home-cooked meals with truly “comfort food” for the grieving families who attend GriefWorks.  A majority of those families are single parent families.  It’s hard for a newly widowed parent to come home from a long day at work, cook a meal and then prepare the children to come to GriefWorks.

When Carol assured the GriefWorks mom that those volunteers still provide meals each session without fail, the mother took Carol’s hand and looked into her eyes.  “Tell those volunteers ‘Thanks’ from us too.  Providing those meals is no small thing.  We considered the meal times at GriefWorks ‘holy’.”

Who knew that as they prepared meals for the children and their family members at GriefWorks that what they were providing was considered “holy”?  But each meal prepared is just that – holy, sacred.  A gift from the heart of a generous volunteer that not only feeds the body, but feeds the spirit, builds community and makes healing healing possible in the pain and turmoil of grief.

Can you offer a gift of the heart to a grieving child and their family by providing a meal at GriefWorks?  You don’t have to be a great chef; you just need a willingness to help families in grief.  You don’t have to do meals for every GriefWorks session; you just need to volunteer for the number of times you can spare to help…once a month, once a quarter, or once.

And you don’t have to do it alone; you and your Bible class…or you and your local club or organization….can volunteer to prepare, deliver and serve meals to the GriefWorks children and families.  Call Janet Johnston at 972-960-9981 and let her know when and how often you are able to help with the GriefWorks meals.  And if you can’t prepare meals, maybe you know someone who can. Share this information with them.

In one small act of kindness for hurting children and their families you can provide a moment when they can break bread together…and to begin to mend broken hearts.

You will be creating for these families a sacred moment to heal.

Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.  Matthew 25:40