Understanding Conflict Management: Six Important Skills

There are discreet skills and attitudes, habits if you will, that can elevate your conflict practice to a new level. These six habits and attitudes can transform a good conflict resolver into a highly effective one – someone who facilitates productive, meaningful discussion between others that results in deeper self-awareness, mutual understanding and workable solutions.

We use the term ‘conflict resolver’ intentionally to reinforce the idea that we all can be instrumental in ending disputes, regardless of whether we are also mediators. These conflict management techniques are life skills that are useful in whatever setting you find yourself. With these skills, you can create environments that are respectful, collaborative and conducive to problem-solving. And, you’ll teach others to be proactive, by modeling successful conflict management behaviors.

  1. Undertand Everyone’s Needs
  2. It’s natural for anyone involved in a dispute to jump in to handle conflict. When someone visits you to discuss a personality conflict, you assess a situation, determine the next steps and proceed until the problem is solved. But is that helpful?

    When you take charge, the people in the conflict are relieved of their responsibility to find a solution. That leaves you to do the work around finding alternatives. And while you want to do what’s best for this person and everyone involved, it’s important to ask what everyone wants first – whether it’s to vent, brainstorm solutions or get some coaching.

    Understand what the person coming to you wants by asking questions:

    •  How can I be most helpful to you?
    •  What are you hoping I will do?
    • What do you see my role as in this matter?

  3. Engage in Collaborative Listening
  4. Collaborative Listening takes those active listening or reflective listening skills one step further. It recognizes that in listening each person has a job that supports the needs and wants of the other. The speaker’s job is to clearly express his or her thoughts, feelings and goals. The listener’s job is facilitating clarity and understanding and make each person in the conflict feel heard.

    So what’s the difference? The distinction is acknowledgement. Your role can be to help each person gain a deeper understanding of everyone’s interests and needs, to define concepts and words in a way that expresses their values (i.e. respect means something different to each one of us), and to make each person feel acknowledged — someone sees things from all points of view.

    Making an acknowledgement is tricky in group settings. Understandably, you want to help each person in the conflict but are mindful of the issues of the whole group. You can acknowledge each person’s needs even while safeguarding the needs of the group as a whole. Simply put, acknowledgement does not mean agreement. It means letting everyone know that you can see how they got to their viewpoint or opinion. It doesn’t mean taking sides with someone or abandoning your responsibilities to the group. Acknowledgement can be the bridge across misperceptions.

    Engage in Collaborative Listening by:

    • Helping each person explore and be clear about their interests and goals
    • Acknowledging their perspective by saying phrases like:
      • I can see how you might see it that way. That must be difficult for you.
      • I understand that you feel _______ about this.
    • Asking questions that probe for deeper understanding on both your parts:
      • When you said x, what did you mean by that?
      • If ______ happens, what’s significant about that for you? What am I missing in understanding this from your perspective?

  5. Be a Good Transmitter
  6. Messages transmitted from one person to the next are very powerful. Sometimes people have to hear it ‘from the horse’s mouth.’ Other times, you’ll have to be the transmitter of good thoughts and feelings.

    Pick up those ‘gems,’ those positive messages that flow when others feel safe and heard in mediation and present them to the other person. Your progress will improve. We’re all human. You know how easy it is to hold a grudge, or assign blame. Sharing gems appropriately can help each person begin to shift their perceptions of the situation, and more importantly, of each other.

    To deliver polished gems, try to:

    • Act soon after hearing the gem
    • Paraphrase accurately so the words aren’t distorted
    • Ask the listener if this is new information and if it changes their stance
    • Avoid expecting the people involved to visibly demonstrate a ‘shift in stance’ (it happens internally and on their timetable, not ours)

  7. Recognize Power
  8. Power is a dominant factor in mediation that raises many questions: What is it? Who has it? How to do you balance power? Assumptions about who is the ‘powerful one’ are easy to make and sometimes wrong. Skillful conflict resolvers recognize power dynamics in conflicts and are mindful about how to authentically manage them.

    You can recognize power by being aware that:

    • Power is fluid and exchangeable
    • People possess power over the content and their process (think of a person’s concerns as the water flowing into and being held by the container)
    • Resolvers possess power over the mediation process (their knowledge, wisdom, experience, and commitment form the container)
    • Your roles as a conflict resolver will have a significant impact on power dynamics

  9. Be Optimistic
  10. Agreeing to participate in conflict management or resolution is an act of courage and hope. By participating, people are conveying their belief in value of the relationship. They are also expressing their trust in you to be responsive to and supportive of their efforts. A person may first communicate their anger, frustration, suffering, righteousness, or regret, not their best hopes.

    You can inspire them to continue by being optimistic:

    • Be positive about your experiences with conflict management
    • Hold their best wishes and hopes for the future
    • Encourage them to work towards their hopes

  11. Be Resilient
  12. Remember the last time you were stuck in a conflict? You probably replayed the conversation in your mind over and over, thinking about different endings and scolding yourself. The others can get stuck, too. In fact, they can become so worn down and apathetic about their conflict, especially a long-standing dispute; they’d do anything to end it. Yes, even agree with each other prematurely. Don’t let them settle. Mediation is about each person getting his or her interest met.

    • Be prepared to move yourself and the others though productive and less productive cycles of the mediation
    • Help the others see their movement and progress
    • Be mindful and appreciative of the hard work you all are doing

By Larry Barber, LPC-S, CT


If you would like to talk to a Christian Counselor individually or as a family, contact CounselingWorks at 972-960-9981 or fill out our contact form.

5 Grief Principles

1. Grief is the normal response to loss.

Grief and its pain are the results of the love or emotional investment you have in the person who died. If you did not love them and they did not make a difference in your life, you would not miss them or hurt like you do now. Grief is the price we pay for loving people who are important to us.

Often mourners try to avoid grief and its accompanying emotions because they are overwhelming and just too painful. Since grief emotions are the result of loving the person who died, the only way to avoid the pain would be to avoid or stop loving them. Think of grief as another expression of the love you have for the person. You don’t want to stop loving them. So you wouldn’t want to stop expressing that love in the normal, natural process of grief.

2. Emotions experienced during grief are neither good nor bad. They just are.

Although grief emotions are painful and uncomfortable, they are part of the grief process. Grief is a transition from life with the person to life without the person. The painful, emotional process helps us to heal the emotional wounds of our loss. In grief you cannot always choose or control what you feel. Emotions in grief seem to just happen to you. Although you don’t choose what grief emotions you experience, you can choose how you express those emotions in your behavior (mourning). You can choose to express those emotions in either healthy or unhealthy ways.

3. Grief emotions will be dealt with…either now or later.

The emotions of grief will not be ignored or avoided. They demand that you as a mourner acknowledge and express them in some way. The best outcome is when the mourner acknowledges the emotion(s), expresses the feelings and seeks the help and support of sympathetic, non-judgmental listeners.

If grief emotions go unexpressed over a period of time, two things can happen to the mourner – he or she will either explode or implode. In an explosion of withheld emotions, the mourner can go out of control with a reaction that harms or destroys lives, friendships, marriages, families and peoples’ spiritual well-being. An implosion caused by withheld emotions can bring about emotional meltdowns or what used to be called “nervous breakdowns” for the mourner (including results such as chronic depression and severe mental/emotional disorders).

4. Grief is an individualized experience. Everyone does not grieve in the same predictable way.

No two people grieve exactly alike. That is because each person’s grief is shaped by the unique, one-of-a-kind in all the universe relationship that they had with the person who died. Although there may be common feelings or experiences that many mourners experience and express, every mourner’s grief is special to him or her.

Grief is not a set of predictable phases, steps or tasks that must be completed in a specific order and by a prescribed timetable. Grief takes as long as it takes. To some degree, you will mourn the loss the rest of your life. The difficult, exhaustive work of grief is to review the loss, to assess the impact the loss has had on your life and to decide how best to live your life without that person.

Living without the person does not mean “detaching” from them or “letting go” of the relationship. In life after loss, you still have a relationship with your loved one. It is just not the same any more in that the physical aspect of the relationship in this life has ended. You can still keep a relationship with your loved one alive on a spiritual and emotional level. You don’t have to leave your loved one in the past and move on. You can take your loved one with you into the future as long as you accept that the relationship continues but the nature of the relationship has changed.

5. Grief will not always be like it is in the beginning. As time passes the grief experience changes.

Time does not heal all wounds, but in grief time can allow space for the emotional wounds of loss to heal and for the heart to find hope. In the beginning, grief is all-consuming and overwhelming. Everything is a memory of your loved one and a reminder of your loss. But time allows you to have hope for and healing in your future. As you take on the task of grief work and you progress through grief, the bad emotional days happen less and less and farther and farther apart. In the future your grief will not be like it is right now. You will still grieve, but your grief will be different. Maybe not better, just different than it is right now. There can be hope and healing in your grief journey with healthy decisions.

Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT


To be successful in your grief process, now is the time to make some important decisions that will help you to mourn in a healthy way. If you would like to talk with a Christian counselor to plan a healthy journey into grief, call CounselingWorks at 972-960-9981 or fill out our contact form. Individual grief counseling and adult grief support groups are available.

If you have children ages 5-18 who are sharing this grief journey with you, consider enrolling your family in GriefWorks, a children’s grief support group program that meets two evenings a month. Your children will be in age-specific groups with other children who have suffered losses. There your children will find a safe, confidential and healthy place to express themselves and their grief. For more information, call GriefWorks at 972-960-9981 or fill out our contact form.

Aprender a Hablar … De Nuevo

Las palabras tienen el poder de ofrecer a aquellos que nos rodean amor y seguridad o amargura y ansiedad. Las personas heridas tienen dificultades en sus relaciones y en la comunicación. Si somos honestos, a la mayoría de nosotros nos han herido. Se dice que, “una persona herida, hiere a otros” y es probable que respondamos a los demás como nos han enseñado así sea por experiencia propia o por como hayamos sido criados.

Se necesita tiempo, determinación y re-entrenamiento para romper el ciclo de la forma en que nos relacionamos con los demás. Alrededor de la edad de dos años hemos aprendido la lengua hablada en nuestro hogar. Puede que no nos hayamos dado cuenta de que las palabras que hemos aprendido desde niños representan muchas reglas de familia. Como adultos, esperamos que otros sepan esas mismas reglas familiares y nos sorprendemos cuando otros desafían nuestras “reglas”. Esto resulta en juzgamientos y suposiciones basadas en pensamientos irracionales que a la vez afectan nuestras relaciones.

Cada uno de nosotros ha sido criado en una familia de origen con normas específicas de comunicación que se han transmitido de generación en generación. Estas pueden incluir ideas tales como:

  • Los niños pueden ser vistos pero no deben ser escuchados
  • Los hijos deben obedecer a los adultos sin hacer preguntas
  • La ira es mala
  • Ciertos temas de conversación están fuera de límite
  • No debes llorar
  • No debes mostrar tus emociones
  • No hagas preguntas
  • No molestes a la gente

Este conjunto generacional de normas y estilos de comunicación probablemente fueron transmitidos a usted por sus padres, quienes fueron buenas personas y que hicieron su mejor esfuerzo. Pero a la vez, ellos no se dieron cuenta que también estaban transmitiendo parte de sus propios conflictos no resueltos. Es importante entender esto como un punto de partida en la terapia.

Podemos mirar nuestro pasado para reflexionar y tomar decisiones que nos ayuden a sanar y a romper con los patrones generacionales de comunicación que han sido poco saludables. También podemos analizar los buenos patrones de comunicación que recibimos de pequeños para poder apreciar aquellas interacciones amables y amorosas que nos han ayudado y que deseamos seguir promoviendo.

¿Por qué nuestro pasado y la infancia son tan importantes y tan mencionados en este tema sobre la comunicación? Nuestra identidad básica o personalidad se forma durante la infancia. Aunque adoptemos una falsa identidad para hacer frente a nuestras situaciones, nuestras palabras habladas salen de nuestro verdadero ser. Si estamos heridos, en última instancia vamos a herir a otros. Si no podemos ver el mérito en nosotros mismos, no podemos comunicar mérito hacia los demás. Si no podemos ver la belleza en sí mismos, entonces vamos a reflejar lo que vemos. Llegamos a ser el objeto de nuestro enfoque. A través de un proceso de descubrimiento, podemos experimentar el poder sanador del amor de Dios y aprender a amar a los demás. Nuestras palabras pueden convertirse en palabras de sanidad y aliento. Incluso si hemos sido avergonzados en el pasado, aún podemos motivar a otros.

Los estilos de comunicación pueden ser analizados a través de teorías como el análisis transaccional. En este modelo hay tres estados del yo: padre, adulto y niño. Una persona que se ha desarrollado saludablemente tiene una mezcla de los tres estados pero controlado por el estado del yo adulto. Ciertas circunstancias de la vida pueden intentar activar una respuesta por parte del yo niño o del estado del yo padre. Estos estados del yo (niño y padre) casi siempre generan cambios dañinos. Una vez que el individuo entiende por qué y cómo se está comunicando, es capaz de realizar cambios sin directivas explícitas a su propio ritmo y el impacto que tiene dentro de su círculo de familiares y amigos.

Tal vez el mejor cambio que podemos poner en práctica inmediatamente es comenzar a utilizar “afirmaciones del yo” para mejorar la comunicación. Una declaración que generalmente es fácil y que consiste de pocas palabras es: “Yo me siento _________ al/ cuando __________. ”

Al comenzar con la palabra “Yo” en lugar de “Tu”, la posibilidad de una respuesta defensiva se ve disminuida. “Yo me siento ignorado cuando tu lees hasta tarde en la noche.” Este es un ejemplo de una comunicación directa que no es tan amenazante como: “Tú siempre lees hasta tarde todas las noches!” Esta frase afirma ira y juzgamiento hacia la otra persona. Una respuesta esperada sería: “¡No es cierto!” La persona que se siente ignorada podría dar el siguiente paso para expresar lo que le gusta de la siguiente manera: “Me gustaría que tu ____________.” Y completar la frase con una de las siguientes opciones: hicieras un juego conmigo, dieras un paseo conmigo, hablaras conmigo por un rato, leamos algo juntos”

Una confrontación desafiante se puede evitar con este tipo de comunicación directa. Se requiere práctica y comprensión de sí mismo, lo suficientemente, para saber cómo nos sentimos y lo que queremos. Curiosamente, muchas personas comienzan una conversación sin entender lo que realmente están sintiendo ni lo que quieren lograr. El tratar de leer la mente del otro y hacer suposiciones son razones comunes de muchas discusiones hirientes. Las palabras crueles a menudo provienen cuando no se toma el tiempo para conocer la realidad de la otra persona. El hacer preguntas puede evitar muchas conversaciones conflictivas. Las preguntas abiertas son mejores y muestran que estamos realmente interesados en su respuesta… si, por supuesto, realmente escuchamos.

Escuchar es otra habilidad de la comunicación que requiere práctica. A veces escuchar es suficiente. El problema puede ser resuelto fácilmente y la persona podría tener ya una solución; sólo faltaría procesar verbalmente el evento crítico. Un simple, “Está bien, ya entendí”, o “¿Hay algo que pueda hacer por ti?” podría ser la mejor respuesta. Escuchar es la parte más importante de la comunicación y es la parte más fácil de fallar!

Aprender a hablar de un modo nuevo es un cambio de vida. Se puede sentir incómodo al principio, pero se irá haciendo más fácil. A veces tenemos que incomodarnos y hacer las cosas de una forma diferente, que se sientan extrañas para descubrir cosas importantes.

Tenemos que pensar en lo que realmente queremos para comunicarnos en lugar de repetir como loros las frases que hemos escuchado de otros. En ese momento estaremos revelando nuestro verdadero yo y nos abriremos a la intimidad en un nivel que no hemos experimentado antes.

Por Rita Peterson

Traducido por Angela Belton, LPC (Consejera Profesional Licenciada)


Si a usted le gustaría hablar con un consejero cristiano para recibir ayuda individual, de pareja o terapia familiar y mejorar la comunicación o para hablar sobre cómo el mejorar su comunicación podría ayudarle a disfrutar de una vida abundante y de las relaciones que Dios quiere que usted tenga, por favor llame para hacer una cita a CounselingWorks al 972-960-9981 o llene nuestro formulario de contacto.