Author: ChristianWorks

The 11 Rules of Fair Fighting

Posted on | by ChristianWorks

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Talk, but without anger

    1. Silence can be the killer of a relationship. If you have a disagreement, you need to talk it out. The only time you need to delay the discussion is when one of the participants is too angry to think straight or talk logically. When anger is too strong in a discussion, no one is listening and nothing gets solved. Take a break, calm down and then talk it through.
    2. Don’t try to “win” at all costs. When one participant wins at all costs, no one really wins the argument. Both sides hold onto their grudges, and the relationship suffers.
    3. Eliminate name calling. When blaming and name calling start, the walls go up and communication goes out the window. Watch your tone because even affectionate names such as “dear” said in the wrong tone can be emotional bombs.
    4. Keep other people out of it. The argument is among the people involved. When others and what they said or believe are involved, damage can be done to those relationships. Other’s opinions rarely change combatants’ beliefs or opinions.
    5. Don’t rehash past wrongs or arguments. Don’t keep a list of wrongs from the past as weapons for the present conflict. They usually don’t matter in the discussion and serve as a way to smear the person you are fighting with. It is okay to learn from the past, but not okay to bring it up over and over again.
    6. Stick to the subject. Stay focused on one topic. Find the issue you want to resolve and stay with that. Don’t bring up other issues and conflicts to prove your point or catch others off-guard.
    7. Don’t review each other’s weaknesses. Don’t throw other’s weak points in their face. You may win the argument, but you lose more than you gain. Try to fight fairly and don’t be overly sensitive about what the other person says or how they say it.
    8. Don’t go to bed angry. Finish the fight. Dragging out a fight can be as energy-draining as avoiding a fight.
    9. Maintain your sense of humor. Many times…especially when we are fighting…we take ourselves and our lives way too seriously.
    10. Focus on the person and really listen. People want to be heard. Make sure you give them a chance to speak and be heard before you make your case. Don’t interrupt or shout them down.
    11. Avoid “you” statements. Stay away from accusatory statements such as “You always….” or “You never…” They immediately put the other person on the defensive and put up walls to communication. Always and never statements are exaggerations and can always be disputed by the other. Make “I” statements instead such as “I feel _____________________ when you ____________________.”

 

At CounselingWorks, we know that fair fighting is a key skill for a successful relationship. Our licensed contract counselors can help you develop this and other techniques that you can use to build a healthy and happy relationship.

Recognizing Anger, Anxiety, Depression and Traumatic Stress in Your Child

Posted on | by ChristianWorks

When a child experiences the divorce of their parents, they have to acknowledge and accept the loss of that relationship. They may even feel as if they are loosing one of their parents. Sadness, anger and anxiety are normal responses to loss.

Providing your children with love, reassurance and support will help them heal, but sometimes factors beyond your control can overwhelm children and create long term problems.

Why is my child having such a hard time moving forward?

Many children go through their parents’ divorce with relatively few problems, and others have a very difficult time. Significant changes in a child’s life can trigger the body’s fight-or-flight response – anger or fear – and if a child cannot adequately express or mentally process those emotions, the child may feel extremely powerless and “freeze.” This reaction is the basis of traumatic stress.

Anger

Your kids may express their anger, rage, and resentment with you and your spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy. Angry outbursts that continue or become violent may be signs that they need help coping with their feelings.

Anxiety

It is natural for children to feel anxious when faced with big changes in their lives. If they seem to be worrying endlessly about minor and major situations, or if their anxiety is causing eating and sleeping problems, they may need more support.

Depression

Sadness about the family’s new situation is normal. But sadness coupled with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become depression. When children feel depressed they may withdraw from their parents or loved ones, neglect their homework, dissociate from friends and discontinue pleasurable activities. Their eating habits may change or they may engage in some form of self-destructive behavior or act out.

Traumatic stress or shock

Trauma is determined by the child’s experience of the event, not simply the event itself. Different children in the same family may have dramatically different reactions to divorce. Trauma may cause depression and anxiety at the time of the separation or years later. It may also reoccur during weekends, holidays or times when the child misses the complete family unit.

Warning signs of more serious problems

If a child gets stuck in certain emotions, they may have a hard time getting ‘unstuck.’ Fear and uncertainty affect kids in a variety of ways. Your availability, willingness to listen and reassurance should help them, but sometimes outside help is necessary as well.

Red flags

Recognize that it will take some time for your kids to work through their issues about the separation or divorce, but you should see gradual improvement over time. If things get worse rather than better after several months, that may be a sign that your child is stuck in depression, anxiety or anger and could use some additional support. Professional intervention may be necessary.

Warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety

  • Sleep problems
  • Poor concentration, chronic forgetfulness, declining grades
  • Drug or alcohol abuse
  • Sexual promiscuity
  • Self-injury, cutting

Written by Heather Resneder, MA, MFT-A

KidWorks is a free support group program for children ages five to eighteen that are experiencing the divorce of their parents. At KidWorks we believe that children need special help to overcome the losses and changes in their life due to a divorce and that honoring that healing process is a necessary component to maintaining healthy relationships in the future.

How to Help a Grieving Child

Posted on | by ChristianWorks

Understanding the basic concepts of grief can prepare us to help a child who has experienced a death of a family member or friend.

A child in Massachusetts went to school one day and told her teacher that her mother had died. The teacher’s response was, “You shouldn’t say things like that.” The child took her seat, and the teacher went on with class. School officials later found out that the child’s mother had indeed died in the apartment alone with the child. The child may have been helped immeasurably had the teacher said, “Tell me more.”

Six Basic Concepts of Grief

From Helping the Grieving Student: A Guide for Teachers from The Dougy Center, the national center for grieving children and families in Portland, Oregon.

  1. Grief is a natural reaction to loss.
  2. Each student’s grief experience is unique.
  3. There are no “right” and “wrong” ways to grieve.
  4. Every death is different and will be experienced by your students in differing ways.
  5. The grieving process is influenced by a multitude of factors.
  6. Grieving does not end. Loss is not something a child will “get over.”

Grieving is hard work and influences all areas of a person’s life. Some students will be able to express grief through words, but others will only be able to express grief through their behavior and play. How someone will grieve cannot be predicted, only that he/she will grieve.

Students may focus on their grief first and school work second. Teachers and administrators who allow students time and support for healing provide a gift to the student. Teachers and administrators who give a message of “get over it” or “you have been grieving long enough” can contribute to or create problems.

How Teachers Can Help

  • Tell the truth, using accurate words such as died, killed, suicide.
  • Listen without judgment.
  • Say something that acknowledges you know about the death and care: “I am sorry.” “I would like to help in some way.”
  • Talk about the person who died, using their name and sharing a memory.
  • Provide structure and routine, but be flexible when needed.
  • Seize special moments that may arise in class to teach about grief.
  • Know that you cannot take away the pain, fear, loneliness or feeling of being different. Your role is to be a safe person to whom feelings can be expressed.
  • Comprehend that the student’s life has changed forever and that it will never be the same.
  • Allow for grief, sorrow, anger or other feelings.
  • Know where you can refer students and families for support.
  • Children think concretely and will need your explanations of death to be concrete.

Common Mistakes

  • Do not suggest that someone has grieved long enough.
  • Do not indicate that someone should get over it and move on.
  • Do not expect someone to complete all assignments on a timely basis.
  • Do not act as if nothing has happened.
  • Do not say things like: “It could be worse, you still have one brother.” “I know how you feel.” “You’ll be stronger because of this.”

Teachers, counselors, and school administrators can provide comfort to children who are grieving, but sometimes families need more support. Let GriefWorks help when there is a need. Sometimes it does “take a village.” We can help by working with children and families who have experienced loss, consulting with teachers and counselors regarding grief issues, and providing teacher training about grief and loss.

Learn more about GriefWorks, a free grief support group program for children ages five to eighteen that have experienced the death of someone close to them.