Passion for growth in marriage
by Shawn D. Boggs, LMFT

In his book, Passionate Marriage, Dr. David Schnarch offers groundbreaking advice on solving marital dilemmas. He suggests that while it's important to know someone well before marrying, people are constantly changing their needs and wants through out the years of marriage. Marriage is not a stagnant state but one of constant change. And when dilemmas arise, what is typical of us is to apply pressure to our spouses to accommodate us. But Dr. Schnarch suggests that marital growth is a byproduct of one's own personal growth within typical marital dilemmas. That marital success is a byproduct of personal maturity seems odd to us because most of us treat the secret to a successful marriage as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

In one example, Schnarch shares that before he married his wife he told her that he never wanted children. He preferred not to have them and regret it instead of having children and resenting them. Years later his wife desired children. She shared that she was no longer taking birth control pills and that he was responsible for contraception. This was not a manipulative tactic to force him to have children, but she could no longer participate in something she couldn't agree with. While he was upset with his wife, her stance helped him ask himself why he resisted being a father. This was a personal growth dilemma that he had been avoiding. And when he faced this dilemma he quit "protecting himself" as he realized how much he too wanted children. It was his willingness to examine himself that helped him mature through this personal and marital dilemma rather than arguing, manipulating, or cajoling his wife as many would do.

This concept of challenging one's own fears is vital to one’s enjoyment of marriage and it's longevity. We cannot eliminate risks or changes (what we are "protecting" ourselves from) in marriage. Efforts to do so only harm both spouses. The concept of self-examination is a regular theme in the Bible. The Scriptures challenge us in hundreds of places to face our dilemmas and ourselves. Whenever the people of Scripture failed to do this, consequences followed. Think about a marital dilemma that you are in. If you are willing to examine yourself and put the impetus to change on you, you will gain personal maturity and not put undue stress on your marriage. Viewing marriage in this context gives married people the flexibility to grow as individuals and as a couple, rather than one at the expense of the other. And that puts passion in marriage.

Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage. New York: Holt Publishers.

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