Thank God for Mother’s Love

There is no love, like a mother’s love,
no stronger bond on earth…
like the precious bond that comes from God,
to a mother, when she gives birth.

A mother’s love is forever strong,
never changing for all time…
and when her children need her most,
a mother’s love will shine.

God bless these special mothers,
God bless them every one…
for all the tears and heartache,
and for the special work they’ve done.

When her days on earth are over,
a mother’s love lives on…
through many generations,
with God’s blessings on each one.

Be thankful for our mothers,
for they love with a higher love…
from the power God has given,
and the strength from up above.

– Anonymous

This month of May I have the privilege of addressing a class at the Pepperdine Lectureship.  The topic will be “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” the name of my  published grief survival guide.  In attendance for my class will be my 30-year-old son Christian, my 28-year-old daughter Sarah and my brother Jason.  I think it will prove to be a meaningful and emotional anniversary of my family’s personal losses of my wife and daughter nineteen years ago.

Anniversary dates in grief are significant for many reasons.  They mark the passage of time in the journey of grief, but these anniversary dates can also mark progress and change in the grief experienced and change in the mourner.  Anniversary dates, birthdays, holidays and other special days in grief bring with them each time they are experienced a sense of dread, sadness, and all the emotions that come with the harsh, piercing reminders that your loved one is not physically present with you.

The month of May each year for me contains an overwhelming list of reminders that my beautiful wife Cindy and my adorable daughter Katie are not and cannot be physically with me.  May 1 is Katie’s birthday.  May 9 is Cindy’s birthday.  Then there is Mother’s Day each year reminding me that my two surviving children are still missing their mother.  But the count of difficult days for me doesn’t stop with just those days.  May 15 is the day of the accident that took Katie’s and Cindy’s lives.  May 15 is also the date of Katie’s death since she died instantly in the crash. Two days later May 17 my wife Cindy died in surgery.  May 19 marks the annual anniversary of the double funeral for my wife Cindy and my daughter Katie.  Needless to say, the month of May is difficult for me and my children.   I would be happy if May could be removed from the yearly calendar permanently.

As time goes by these anniversary dates in May still carry with them emotional pain and spiritual struggle that simply come from missing valuable people.   My grief is different now, but it is still painful and it is still a struggle although it changes with the passage of time.  I never expect my grief to become completely easy.

I do not know how my endurance of the anniversary month of May is helping me to heal, but I just have to trust that it is healthy and healing.  I never want to quit loving Cindy and Katie.  Therefore, I will never quit expressing that love as grief as long as I am not in their physical presence.

Time in grief is a strange thing.  For me the 19 years since the deaths of my daughter Katie and my wife Cindy can sometimes seem like forever.  But many times when memories hit me and grief outbursts take place, it seems like the losses just happened yesterday.  What keep me going on are my faith and my hope that we will be reunited.  I have a feeling that when the reunion of my family takes place that time, the time spent in grief, and that the exhausting experience of grief itself will not matter anymore.

What I wish for you as a fellow mourner is that you can find hope and promise that will sustain you for the full grief journey especially during difficult days.  Grief is never easy, but with the right support, coping skills and good information, it can become easier.  I want you to find hope that your grief journey will not always be like it is right now-overwhelming and all-consuming.   I also want you to experience that you do have the promise of being supplied with all the resources-including people, information, support and comfort-that you will need to successfully get through grief.

For help for grieving children in GriefWorks, the free grief support service for ages 5-18 contact Janet Johnston at 972-960-9981 or jjohnston@christian-works.org .

For grief counseling appointments contact Laurie Gaddy at 972-960-9981 or lgaddy@christian-works.org.

To purchase a copy of Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise go to www.grief-works.org/book.php or online at Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

As a staff member at ChristianWorks for Children, you have a sweet window into people’s generosity, and you get to see them give of their time, of their treasure, and of their talents…and the results are powerful…especially when everyone participates.  The blessing of our friends and partners was especially evident this past week as we saw how God would use each person for His purpose as they joined forces with ChristianWorks.

Last Thursday was the official beginning of “auction season”!  Fifty-four people gathered together, most of them volunteers representing their respective church congregations, to learn all the details of this year’s Celebrate The Children Auction, scheduled for October 6^th at the Hilton Anatole Hotel.  Our theme is “Good Vibrations” where we’ll be celebrating everything fun about the 60’s.  The kick-off evening began when “Bubbles,” a 1965 vintage Airstream arrived, complete with bubbles and music, and yummy cupcakes were distributed to our guests from her serving window.

The “fun” will continue on auction night when we are joined by Mike Williams, an inspirational entertainer who has made millions of people laugh, but who has a life story that will leave all of us marveling at the grace and mercy of God.

Our hope is that you will mark your calendars and make plans right now to join us for this special night that will benefit the children and families served through the ministries of ChristianWorks for Children.

Volunteer and giving opportunities abound over the next five months as we plan and prepare for the auction.  To learn more about how you might help, please contact Carol Pauley at cpauley@christian-works.org or 972-960-9981.

We ask the children who are in our KidWorks program to draw what divorce looks like to them.  As you have seen in the pictures above, children have a way of expressing themselves through their art.  Their art often tells their story.  One child draws a dad pushing mom down the stairs.  We often see pictures of constant fighting between parents.  Pictures show heart shapes split down the middle expressing how their hearts are hurting.  Pictures of tears prevail.  These dramatic heart breaking scenes are realistic for children of divorce.   We wish we could change the pictures children have in their minds.  The memories are long lasting.  The pain and hurt are deep.  The feelings are sometimes inexpressible, and they can no longer draw the happy family pictures they once drew.  There is nothing appealing about the picture of divorce.  It affects children all over the world.  They need your prayers so that one day they can draw a different picture for their lives and include some happy faces!

If you know of someone going through a divorce, be sure to refer them to the KidWorks program or CounselingWorks.

Call us at 972-960-9981.

As I thought about these storms, I was reminded that life will always be uncertain. Storms can come at any time in many forms which can dramatically change our lives. For some people the storms come in the form of loss of health, a death of a family member, loss of a relationship, to name just a few. Our hope and prayer at ChristianWorks is that we can help and walk along side those experiencing life’s storms. If you need counseling or we can help you through the support of GriefWorks, KidWorks  or AdoptionWorks please call us at (972)960-9981.

John 16:33

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Waiting on Me

Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting me Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day. I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties.

I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one’s circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence. Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will. It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy. (Lamentations 3:24-26; Isaiah 40:31; Psalm 16:11)

How many of us pray and talk to God with hopeful anticipation? I will go out on a limb here to suggest most of us probably pray a certain prayer once or twice, or perhaps several times, but then sit back and “wait” for God to show up? We tell ourselves we are “giving it to God,” when in reality we are simply distracted by other details in our lives, while HOPING we will be able to recognize when God responds in some way. I know I am guilty of this at times! And then we wonder why we aren’t getting the answers we are looking for. But are we directing our attention to Him in hopeful anticipation? With expectation? Or are we simply being distracted by life? God instructs us to seek him with anticipation, and to EXPECT him to answer our prayer. His answers are not always what we hope they will be, but at least we have a clear response when we seek God through His Word.

My encouragement for you today, is to not only “wait on God,” while going about your day, but to instead, stay conscious of Him throughout your day; take time out to Seek after Him and His will for you, while you wait…

DISPELLING THE MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SUICIDE AND GRIEF AND MOURNING

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D

Misconception: A misconception is a mistaken notion you might have about something – in other words, something you believe to be true but that is not true. Misconceptions about grief are common in our society because we tend to not openly mourn or talk about grief and mourning. You can see how we’d have misconceptions about something as ‘in the closet’ as suicide grief.

As you journey through the wilderness of your suicide grief, if you mourn openly and authentically, you will come to find a path that feels right for you. But, beware – others my try to pull you off this path. They may try and make you believe that the path you have chosen is wrong – even crazy – and that their way is better.

They have internalized some common misconceptions abut suicide grief and mourning. And the misconceptions, in essence, deny you your right to hurt and authentically express your grief.

As you read about this important concept, you may discover that you yourself have believed in some of the misconceptions and that some may be embraced by people around you. Don’t condemn yourself or others for having believed in them. Simply make use of any new insights to help you open your heart to your work of mourning in ways that restore your soul.

MISCONCEPTION: GRIEF AND MOURNING ARE THE SAME THING.

Perhaps you noticed that people tend to use the words ‘grieving’ and ‘mourning’ interchangeably. There is an important distinction, however. Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. Mourning is when you take the grief you have inside and express it outside of yourself. Over time, and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.

WARNING: After someone you love has completed suicide, your friends may encourage you to keep your grief to yourself. A catalyst for healing, however, can only be created when you publicly, in the presence of understanding, compassionate people who will not judge you.

MISCONCEPTION: GRIEF FOLLOWING SUICIDE DEATH ALWAYS RESULTS IN ‘COMPLICATED’ OR ‘PATHOLOGICAL’ MOURNING.

Research indicates that survivors of suicide integrate grief at about the same pace as those who experience any kind of unanticipated death. Obviously, there can be some natural challenges, such as combination of sudden chock, the natural question of ‘why?,’ the trauma of witnessing or discovering the suicide, the lack of support from family and friends, and the potential of ‘secondary victimization’ that results from cruel, judgmental or insensitive comments, but do not let this misconception become a sulfa-fulfilling prophecy. Do your work of mourning, and you will come out of the dark into the light.

MISCONCEPTION: GRIEF AND MOURNING PROGRESS IN PREDICTABLE, ORDERLY STAGES.

The concept of ‘stages’ was popularized in 1969, with the publication of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ landmark text, “On Death and Dying.” However, Dr. Kübler-Ross never intended for her stages to be interpreted as a rigid, linear sequence to be followed by all mourners.

As a grieving person, you will probably encounter others who have adopted a rigid system of beliefs about what you should experience in your grief journey. And, if you have internalized this misconceptions, you may also find yourself trying to prescribe your grief experience as well.

Everyone mourns in different ways. Personal experience is your best teacher about where you are in your grief journey. Don’t think your goal is to move through prescribed stages of grief.

MISCONCEPTION: WE CAN ALWAYS DETERMINE THE ‘WHYS?’ OF A SUICIDE DEATH.

Why the person took his or her own life can be a painful, yet natural, question to explore, but it is a question for which there is often no clear, satisfactory answer. My experience with many survivors suggests that you may very slowly, with no rewards for speed, discover that it is possible to live with the uncertainty of never fully knowing the answer to ‘why?’

MISCONCEPTION: ALL SUICIDE SURVIVORS FEEL GUILTY.

The sad reality is that some people will actually say directly to you, “I bet you feel guilty” or pose the question, “Do you feel guilty?” This is one of the most prescribed responses for survivors of suicide. In reality, as a survivor, you may or may not feel guilty. Besides, assuming you feel guilty is the opposite of my belief that you are the expert of your own experience and therefore you must teach me what you feel – I must not prescribe what you should feel.

MISCONCEPTION: ONLY CERTAIN KINDS OF PEOPLE COMPLETE SUICIDE.

This is a simple misconception to dispel. The reality is that suicide is a stranger to no race, creed, religion, age group or socioeconomic level. All kinds of people have completed suicide since the beginning of recorded history.

MISCONCEPTION: ONLY A CRAZY PERSON COMPLETES SUICIDE.

While the person you loved who completed suicide may have been depressed, anxious or hopeless, to be sure, most of us survivors don’t find comfort when people try to tell us the person was crazy. Not all people who complete suicide meet some formal criteria for mental illness, and, even when they do, we don’t need to hear that they were crazy.

MISCONCEPTION: IT IS A SIN TO COMPLETE SUICIDE, ADN THE PERSON WHO DOES GOES DIRECTLY TO HELL.

As one Catholic priest observed about suicide, “When its victims wake on the other side, they are met by a gentle Christ who stands right inside of their huddled fear and says, ‘Peace be with you!’ As we see in the gospels, God can go through locked doors, breathe out peace in places where we cannot get in, and write straight with even the most crooked of lines.”

Personally, I believe there are no limits to God’s compassion. God mourns with us. If God’s nature is one of steadfast mercy and love, then this is a misconception we need to keep educating the world about.

MISCONCEPTION: SUICIDE IS INHERITED AND RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

Be alert for uninformed people who may project to you that because someone in your family completed suicide, you may have the same fate. This projection is not supported by the facts. Scientific research has not, at this time, confirmed a genetic basis for suicide risk.

MISCONCEPTION: TEARS OF GRIEF ARE ONLY A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.

Tears of grief are often associated with personal inadequacy and weakness. The worst thing you can do, however, is to allow this judgement to prevent you from crying.

Sometimes, the people who care about you may, directly or indirectly, try to prevent your tears out of a desire to protect you (and them) from pain. You may hear comments like, “Tears won’t bring him back” or “He wouldn’t want you to cry.” Yet crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in your body, and it allows you to communicate a need to be comforted.

MISCONCEPTION: BEING UPSET AND OPENLY MOURNING MEANS YOU ARE BEING WEAK IN YOU FAITH.

Watch out for those who think that having faith and openly mourning are mutually exclusive. If you are mad at God, be mad at God. Similarly, is you need a time-out from regular worship, don’t shame yourself. When, and if, you are ready, attending a church, synagogue or other place of worship, reading scripture and praying are only a few ways you might want to express your faith. Or, you may be open to less conventional ways, such as meditating or spending time alone in nature.

MISCONCEPTION: WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE COMPLETES SUICIDE, YOU ONLY GRIEVE AND MORN FOR THE PHYSICAL LOSS OF THE PERSON.

When someone you love completes suicide, you don’t just lose the presence of that person. As a result of the death, you may lose many other connections to yourself and the world around you. These secondary losses can include:

Loss of Self

• self (“I feel like port of me died when he died.”)
• identity (You may have to rethink your role as husband or wife, mother or father, son or daughter, best friend, etc.)
• self-confidence (Some grievers experience lowered self-esteem. Naturally, you may have lost one of the people in your life who gave you confidence.)
• health (Physical symptoms of mourning.)
• personality (“I just don’t feel like myself…”)
• fiscal security (You may have financial concerns or have to learn to manage finances in ways you didn’t before.)
• lifestyle (Your lifestyle has changed and no longer feels safe.)

Loss of Meaning

• goals and dreams (Hopes and dreams for the future can be shattered.)
• faith (You may question your faith.)
• will/desire to live (You may have questions related to future meaning in your life. You may ask, “Why do on…?”)
• joy (Life’s most precious emotion, happiness, is naturally compromised by the death of someone we love.)

Allowing yourself to acknowledge the many levels of loss the suicide death has brought to your life will help you continue to stay open to your unique grief journey.

Now that we’ve reviewed the common misconceptions of grief, let’s wrap up this article by listing some of the ‘conceptions.’ These are some realities you can hold onto as you journey toward healing.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FOR GRIEF AND MOURNING

• You will naturally grieve, but you will probably have to make a conscious effort to mourn
• Your grief and mourning will involve a wide variety of different thoughts and feelings
• Your grief and mourning will impact you in all five realms of experience: physical; emotional; cognitive; social; and spiritual.
• You need to feel it to heal it.
• Your grief will probably hurt more before it hurts less.
• Your grief will be unpredictable and will not likely progress in an orderly fashion.
• You don’t ‘get over’ grief; you learn to live with it.
• You need other people to help you through your grief.
• You will not always feel this bad.

© 2011 Alan D. Wolfelt

In April 2012, GriefWorks will be hosting two educational events for the community & healthcare professionals presented by internationally known grief therapist, author, and educator:

ALAN D. WOLFELT, PH.D.
Director, Center for Loss and Life Transition, Fort Collins, Colorado

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012, 7:00-9:00 p.m.
Free Community Presentation: 
Exploring the Critical Questions Toward Healing After the Death of a Loved One

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012, 9:00 a.m.-3:30 p.m.
Workshop for professionals & caregivers:
Exploring the Special Features of Sudden Death, Trauma Loss & Suicide Grief

EARLY REGISTRATION NOW OPEN

Register and Pay Online

Download Registration Form

To find out more information, please contact GriefWorks Director Larry Barber by email at: lbarber@christian-works.org
Or by calling: 972-960-9981

If you took the time to watch the video you probably had the same reaction as me…”Wow!”  The sheer beauty of God’s creation and the amazing blend of artistry and scientific detail of His work is astounding, leaving us breathless and for a moment aware of His handiwork.  Solomon wrote of the wonder of God’s creation and was known as the wisest man who ever lived.  Yet, Solomon made some rather glaring mistakes in his own life that impacted generations.  His father, David, known as “the man after God’s own heart” also made mistakes that affected his children in a way that led to murder, adultery, incest and leaving the very God who placed them in power.  The short of it all is none of us lives in a vacuum.  Like the interaction in nature, our lives affect others.  We choose to do good or to do evil.  Creation does what it was created for, and in so doing it praises its Creator.  If you, or someone you know, are struggling with the consequences of mistakes by yourself or others, maybe ChristianWorks can help through one of its many ministries.  Or perhaps you would like to help.  ChristianWorks offers many opportunities for volunteers and for those who would like to give monetarily in support of our ministries.  Please consider how you can help make this world a little better by doing what you were created for.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Ephesians 2:10

“Through arrogance comes nothing but strife, But wisdom is with those who receive counsel.” Proverbs 13:10

ChristianWorks for Children is pleased to announce a new chapter in our CounselingWorks ministry, beginning Saturday, March 10, 2012.  God has placed in our path the opportunity to create a live, call-in radio talk show.  This hour-long program, CounselingWorks Now, will provide hope and give Biblical guidance and direction for those struggling with life’s stressful circumstances and difficult relationships.

Please tune your dials to listen to the CounselingWorks Now radio program every Saturday at noon until 1:00 pm on The WORD 100.7 FM, a radio station of Salem Communications, the nation’s largest Christian broadcasting company. You can also listen live at www.thewordfm.com.  Join CounselingWorks’ counselors and guest Christian panelists addressing today’s challenging issues for individuals and families in their everyday lives.

CounselingWorks began as the Lord’s ministry in 1995 through the efforts of counselors and social workers at ChristianWorks for Children to prevent family breakdown and to restore healthy relationships.  Since its beginning, thousands of individuals, of all ages and families from all walks of life, have had the benefit of Christian counseling by Licensed Professional Counselors, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, and Licensed Clinical Social Workers.

Learn more Here.