By: Kenneth J Doka, PhD

Throughout a time of loss, it is critical to keep communication with a child open.  Only by doing so can we truly understand the ways that the child is experiencing grief, allay any fears the child may have, and support the child in his or her grief journey.

This means that we need to answer the child’s questions in clear and honest ways.  Two rules can help us here.  The first rule is to always understand the context of the question.  Gee, that is an interesting question, what made you ask that? Such a question helps clarify the child’s concerns or fears.  Then always answer in a way that is honest but also keeps the conversation going.  A simple yes or no leaves little room for further discussion.  For example suppose a child asks if you are going to die.  A response like Most people live until they are old, even old enough to see you children or grand children – that’s why Mommy always buckles her seatbelt and stopped smoking so she could live, I hope, a long life, is both truthful and reassuring.

It is also helpful to be direct.   The romantic stories we may weave and the euphemisms that we use might only frighten and confuse the child.  It is best to give simple, honest, and direct answers appropriate to the child’s developmental level.  If we do not have an answer, it is good to simply say so.  I do not know why Grandma had to die.  I miss her – what do you miss most about her?

You just never know how much you do for others can make a difference in their lives.  Recently ChristianWorks for Children Development Director Carol Pauley discovered how the many “small” kindnesses extended to families at GriefWorks makes a huge impact on their lives, their well being and their futures.  GriefWorks (www.grief-works.org)  is the free support group ministry for children ages 5-18 and their adult family members at ChristianWorks (www.christian-works.org) .

Carol was standing in the check out line at a local Wal-Mart when the lady in front of her turned around and excitedly announced, “Oh, you’re with GriefWorks!  My children and I used to come to sessions there after my husband died.”

The conversation continued with the former GriefWorks parent sharing with Carol just how much GriefWorks had meant to her and her children during one of their lives’ darkest times. “Is Pat Scott still there at GriefWorks?” asked the mom.  When Carol assured her that Pat was still leading the GriefWorks adult group, the lady added, “Please tell Pat how much I appreciated what she did for me and my children in those group sessions.  I can never thank her enough.”

“And are those dear, sweet volunteers still providing the home-cooked meals to the families before they go into their GriefWorks groups?” she asked Carol.  For twelve years generous volunteers have prepared home-cooked meals with truly “comfort food” for the grieving families who attend GriefWorks.  A majority of those families are single parent families.  It’s hard for a newly widowed parent to come home from a long day at work, cook a meal and then prepare the children to come to GriefWorks.

When Carol assured the GriefWorks mom that those volunteers still provide meals each session without fail, the mother took Carol’s hand and looked into her eyes.  “Tell those volunteers ‘Thanks’ from us too.  Providing those meals is no small thing.  We considered the meal times at GriefWorks ‘holy’.”

Who knew that as they prepared meals for the children and their family members at GriefWorks that what they were providing was considered “holy”?  But each meal prepared is just that – holy, sacred.  A gift from the heart of a generous volunteer that not only feeds the body, but feeds the spirit, builds community and makes healing healing possible in the pain and turmoil of grief.

Can you offer a gift of the heart to a grieving child and their family by providing a meal at GriefWorks?  You don’t have to be a great chef; you just need a willingness to help families in grief.  You don’t have to do meals for every GriefWorks session; you just need to volunteer for the number of times you can spare to help…once a month, once a quarter, or once.

And you don’t have to do it alone; you and your Bible class…or you and your local club or organization….can volunteer to prepare, deliver and serve meals to the GriefWorks children and families.  Call Janet Johnston at 972-960-9981 and let her know when and how often you are able to help with the GriefWorks meals.  And if you can’t prepare meals, maybe you know someone who can. Share this information with them.

In one small act of kindness for hurting children and their families you can provide a moment when they can break bread together…and to begin to mend broken hearts.

You will be creating for these families a sacred moment to heal.

Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.  Matthew 25:40

We parents have an innate desire to protect our child from the “negative” things of life, but when death and tragedy strike suddenly and openly, we cannot shield our children from the horror and grief that can follow.  We worry how death and loss will impact these young minds because they don’t possess the life experience or coping skills of adults…and death is a hard enough concept for mature, healthy adults to wrap their minds around.

Children learn about death, loss and grief with the help of parents and the adults surrounding and being there for them.  The general rules to follow when talking to your child or adolescent about death and tragedy are:

• Be honest.  Answer the child and give them information at their level of understanding and without sharing every shocking detail (see Children and Grief By Ages and Stages below).  Let them know that at any time they can feel safe to come to you with their grief thoughts and emotions.
• Provide comfort, support & security.  In dealing with death, loss and grief, children need to know that they are cared for and will be protected to the best of your ability.  They need to be reassured you and others will be there to help.  They need to feel normal again.  So try to keep them involved in as many normal childhood activities as possible.
• Don’t be ashamed to show your emotions.  If you cry or your voice wavers in the discussion with your child,  tell them that all people of all ages feel sad and grieve sometimes.  Let them know by your example that healthy adults and children naturally grieve the loss of life, especially of people they love or are close to.  Let them know that it is natural to be upset when tragedy strikes, and it is natural to feel sadness for others touched by tragedy.
• Remember you are modeling how a healthy, mature person shows their grief.  Don’t believe the myth that “You have to be strong for the children.”  They need to know that you are human and that humans grieving in a healthy way is natural.
  At the same time, try not to overact to the situation.  Grieve, but if you feel overcome at the moment, delay your discussion and find a place to grieve openly and without restraint away from the child.
• Observe your children for any signs of complicated grief.  If you see extreme changes in your child’s behavior (lingering anger, violent play, trouble at school, regressing to behavior of earlier ages), sleeping patterns (inability to sleep through the night, sleeping too much, nightmares), eating habits (loss of appetite, overeating) or unexplained physical ailments (headaches, stomach aches, other pain complaints),  you may want to seek professional help for you and your child.

To help you with knowing what your child’s level of understanding may be, here are some guidelines to use.

Children & Grief By Ages & Stages

Birth to age 3:

1. View of Death – The child sees death as a loss, separation or abandonment.  Death as a concept is hard to understand.  There is no sense of permanence.
2. Warning signs – Seek help if you see that the child is unresponsive, quiet, and sluggish, or changes sleep patterns.  Conversely, a child can “act out” and become aggressive, hard to settle and irritable.
3. Help the child – Keep schedules normal and remind the child of boundaries and limitations.  The child needs to know that there are still consequences to his/her choices and behavior.

Ages 3 to 6:

1. View of Death – At this stage, a child sees things as reversible and temporary.  Death and life are hard to separate.  They may believe in “magical thinking” and that their thoughts can cause things to happen such as a death, or bringing someone back to life.
2. Warning signs – Children can exhibit nightmares, confusion, eating, sleeping, bladder or bowel problems or regression to behavior of an earlier state of development.  Sometimes they may even seem to be unaffected by the death.  Do not hesitate to get help as soon as possible if the child’s behavior changes and continues.
3. Help the child – Talk about the death using books and stories.  Explain to the child that they did not “think” the death or make it happen.  Teach the child that what happened to the loved one is not controlled by his/her behavior.

Ages 7 to 8:

1. View of Death – Children start seeing death as final at this age.  The concept for many kids is that death happens to the old but not to someone their age.  Therefore, when death occurs to someone they love (especially someone they consider “not old”), many questions will emerge about death.
2. Warning signs – Children may have problems in school or they may become aggressive, quiet, clingy, or think they have numerous health problems.  Behavior like not feeling safe sleeping in their own bed is common.  Always be honest with children about the death and their emotions surrounding the loss.  Encourage them to talk and take what they say seriously.  Again, do not hesitate to seek help if their behavior changes and continues.
3. Help the child – Talk about the death in an open and honest manner.  Encourage the child to express their feelings in creative ways – through drawing, writing or story telling.  If the child asks complicated questions, answer them fully.  At this age the child is able to handle deep concepts and generally has a healthy curiosity.

Ages 9 and up:

1. View of Death – By now the child understands that death is going to happen.  By age 12, children know that death is final and irreversible.  They not only know it can happen to anyone else, but it can also happen to them.
2. Warning signs – Children may exhibit a wide range of feelings/behavior such as shock, denial, anxiety, fear, anger, depression and withdrawal.  Their reactions begin to be much more like an adult except they may act out their grief in behavioral changes at home and/or school.  Take their behavior and expressions seriously.  Do not hesitate to get help if their behavior changes and continues.
3. Help the child – Talk about the death openly and honestly.  Answer their questions completely to meet their needs.  Be forthright about your own emotions.  Encourage them to talk and listen patiently.  Do not try to correct their feelings.  Encourage the child to interact with other children their age in order to receive encouragement and support during their grief.

Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT, author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” Available on http://grief-works.org/book.php. Also available on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, and your local bookstore. Available now for Nook and Kindle.

While you and I prepare for the holiday season just a few days away, many of our friends and loved ones live in dread of the special days ahead when families gather and they will be reminded of their grief and their loss.  In their homes there will be an empty chair at the dinner table as everyone gives celebrates time together and an empty spot around the Christmas tree when gifts are opened.  During a time that used to be overflowing with joy and celebration, those in grief will be reminded of the huge hole in their heart left by the death of someone significant in their lives.

You can help mourning friends and loved ones this year with your presence, support and encouragement.  

• Reach out to them to let them know you are thinking about them.  Let them know that you are always available to listen and be there for them.
• Invite them to share a meal or part of the holidays with you and your family. Mourners should never be alone.
• Listen to them as they cry, share their stories, experiences, emotions and fears during the holidays without judging what they say or feel.  And please, don’t give any unsolicited advice.
• Help them with their holiday chores – shopping, decorating, or preparing their home for holiday visitors.  Offer to babysit children while they take a break to pamper themselves.

Many are giving their mourning friends the gift of comfort this holiday season by helping them to understand grief–that mourning is natural, normal and healthy.  Grief is simply the overflowing love in their hearts for that person who no longer is physically present.  Mourners need to know that grieving in healthy ways honors a valuable life and helps to heal their emotional wounds caused by the death of a loved one.

Don’t let your fears of doing or saying the wrong thing keep you from doing anything at all for your mourning friend or family member during these difficult holidays ahead.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,

Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT
Director, GriefWorks, CounselingWorks and KidWorks
Author, Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise
Available at http://grief-works.org/book.php or on Amazon or Barnes & Noble (on Kindle & Nook also)

The culture we mourners live in is not grief-friendly. Well meaning friends and family tell us they were hoping that we would be “doing better by now.” Bottom line and productivity-minded bosses give us three days bereavement leave from work when someone in our immediate family dies. Mourning employees are often expected to return to work and leave their personal business at home. As workers we mourners are still expected to make quotas and deadlines–as if nothing had changed in our lives.

Can’t we stop making mourners believe that they need to hurry up and get over their grief? Can we stop making mourners think that they have a mental or emotional disorder if they do not finish their intense grief on our timetable? Can we stop causing them to feel that remembering their loved one, feeling a twinge of pain and crying years after the death is unhealthy and abnormal?

Over sixty years have passed since the deaths of thousands that occurred in the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Each year in December, crowds still gather at the Pearl Harbor Memorial in Hawaii and cry over the deaths of brave young men killed there. No one walks up and says, “Oh, come on. It has been over sixty years since these people died. When are you weaklings going to get over it?”

This year eleven years have passed since the attack on 9/11. Each day thousands come to Ground Zero in New York City and cry over the almost 3,000 people killed there. No one walks up and says, “Oh, come on. It has been eleven years since these people died. When are you cry babies going to get over it?”

No one tells these Pearl Harbor and 9/11 mourners not to cry and not to grieve for two important reasons. The first reason is that those who died are important people whose lives need to be remembered. The second reason is that these are losses and historic days to be remembered because our world was never the same afterward.

Well, guess what? My losses of my wife and daughter nineteen years ago and your loss are our very own personal Pearl Harbors and 9/11’s. The people we lost to death are just as important to us as those who died at Pearl Harbor and on 9/11 are to those who continue to remember them. After our losses, our personal worlds will never be the same—just like the bereaved of Pearl Harbor and 9/11. Therefore, we as mourners will continue to remember our loved ones and the days that they left our lives for the sake of our natural, healthy mourning.

If our mourning bothers the bystanders observing our grief, we mourners are not the ones who need to “get over it.” No matter how well-intentioned the judges of our grief and its duration are they are ones who need to “get over” their clueless, uninformed evaluation of our personal grief. We mourners say this with all due respect to those trying to get us to stop mourning. We love and care for our comforters and supporters as much as they do for us. But we are not going to apologize for the discomfort or inconvenience that others experience watching us mourn in a healthy way. We are not going to compromise our emotional and spiritual health or well being by stopping our mourning for the sake of others who can not see what we need-to memorialize our loved ones on a regular basis.

Okay, I’ll step down from my soapbox now. I am sorry if my views seem a little harsh, but too many mourners starting their life path into healthy mourning and healing have their grief short-circuited by our culture. The problem is that our society considers talk about death and grief as unhealthy, morbid and taboo.

Living in an atmosphere where grief emotions and mourning are stifled we mourners sometimes feel forced to carry unexpressed grief and unresolved issues concerning a loss throughout our lives. We want to tell well-intentioned friends, family and helping professionals that mourning in a healthy way and maintaining a healthy spiritual and emotional relationship with a loved one who has died is not only beneficial and therapeutic for us–it is also our right as mourners.

From (c) 2011, Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT in “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” Available on www.xulonpress.com/book. Also available on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, and your local bookstore. Available now for Nook and Kindle.

Watch the Love Never Dies YouTube video http://youtu.be/-T0zt0ZSsNE. Follow me on Twitter.

When death strikes, our world changes.  Suddenly we realize that the assumptions and beliefs we live by every day are not necessarily the way life really is.  Bad things can and do happen, not just to other people, but they can also happen to us and to the people we hold most dear.

When loved ones are taken by death or when tragedy hits the headlines we come to recognize that this world can be a very unsafe place to be, and that the plans and dreams we have for today or tomorrow can be shattered at any second by a random act of nature, a violent act of people we don’t even know or just by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  We are forced to see how brutal our world can be and how fragile our lives are.

Whenever death and loss hit us, we go into shock, we look for answers to why tragic events and losses could have happened and we reflect on our lives and our beliefs.  Mourners, their caregivers and witnesses in the community are forced to learn quickly that:

• All of us are vulnerable and Death is inevitable.  It doesn’t matter how successful or unsuccessful you are, how religious you are, how much good you do for others, how many degrees you have, or how well you have planned for the future, death and grief come to us all.  One hundred percent of us are going to die and one hundred percent of us will say goodbye to people we care for.  Death is the great equalizer of all humankind. In tragedy we face our mortality.
  
• The most important things in life are not things.  People and relationships are most important.  After a tragic loss, survivors, their caregivers and witnesses to the tragic event feel compelled to get closer to family and the important people in their lives.  When we experience loss due to death–especially sudden, unexpected loss–we live in fear of what might happen next.  Writer C.S. Lewis put it this way in his book A Grief Observed, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”  In grief we live in fear of what tragic event will happen next and what other valuable people might be taken from us.
• Time is precious, and it shouldn’t be wasted.  When loved ones die, we feel the regret for things said or not said, done or not done.  We wonder why we didn’t do things differently and why we didn’t cherish the relationships that we were given in our lives.  Our priorities change after loss. The “to do” lists and activities we once considered important seem trivial and even foolish in the aftermath of a loved one’s death and the onset of grief.  We search for meaning, purpose and joy in the “now” we live in when we realize that tomorrow or the next minute with our loved ones may not be ours.

Will tragedy, death and grief continue?  Unfortunately, yes. Important, loved ones will continue to die, tragedies will happen, and mourners will be left behind to grieve, hurt and pick up the pieces of their lives.  But loved ones can be remembered and honored in our grief.  The overflowing love we still have in our hearts for people no longer physically present can be expressed in healthy grief and in lives well-lived in memory of those loved ones lost.  We will not just be those surviving our loved ones who die. We will be living memorials to their valuable lives which cry out to be remembered.

We mourners left behind can learn the lessons of loss, remember them daily and change how we live now.  The physical relationships we still have can be treasured and appreciated now instead of after our loved ones and friends die.  We can let them know how much we care for them now in words and actions. In addition, we can make each moment count now rather than living in the past which cannot be changed or worrying about the future which we may not have.  Understanding now that this life is fragile, fleeting and far more important than we ever knew can enrich our lives and our relationships now.  And when the time comes and we run out of nows, we can say goodbye to others who die and leave this life when we die with fewer regrets.

Remember, all we have for sure is now.

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” James 4:13-15

Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT, director of GriefWorks, CounselingWorks and KidWorks.

Larry is also the author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” Available on http://grief-works.org/book.php. Also available on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, and your local bookstore. Available now for Nook and Kindle.  Proceeds from the sale of the book benefit the free support services provided to mourning children and their families in GriefWorks.

After the death of a loved one, mourning adult family members deal with their own emotional turmoil following the loss.  Because these family members are often overwhelmed by their own grief, the children and adolescents in that family who are also grieving, may be overlooked.

Bereavement counselor, educator and author Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt has written “The Grieving Child’s Bill of Rights” to suggest to mourning adults what is most important for grieving children to remain healthy as the children remember and miss their loved one who has died.  Dr. Wolfelt writes:

l. Children have the right to their own unique feelings about the death.

2. Children have the right to talk about their grief whenever they feel like talking.

3. Children have the right to show their feelings of grief in their own way and time.

4. Children have the right to need other people to help them with their grief.

5. Children have the right to get upset about normal, everyday problems.

6. Children have the right to have unplanned “grief outbursts.”

7. Children have the right to use beliefs about God to help them with their grief.

8. Children have the right to try to figure out why the person died.

9. Children have the right to think and talk about memories of the person who died.

10. Children have the right to move toward and feel their grief, and over time, to heal.

Adapted from “Healing A Child’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends, & Caregivers” by Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., Center for Loss & Transition

If you know of a grieving child who you are concerned about, the following services are available for grieving children and their families through ChristianWorks for Children:

• GriefWorks, a free children’s grief support service for ages 5-18 and their adult family members.  For more information call Janet at 972-960-9981 or email jjohnston@christian-works.org.  More information on the groups is at http://grief-works.org.
• Grief counseling for individuals, couples, and families on a sliding scale fee.  Appointments can be made with one of the 12 Christian counselors available through CounselingWorks by calling Laurie at 972-960-9981 or emailing lgaddy@christian-works.org.  More information on counseling services is at http://christian-works.org.

When our executive director Rob Pine first suggested that I author a grief survival guide shortly after I came to ChristianWorks for Children in April 2007, I was reluctant.  I doubted that I could say anything about grief that had not already been said in the many bereavement volumes out there in the marketplace.  But Rob continued to insist and support the need for me to document my grief story and the grief stories and insights of fellow mourners it has been my privilege to meet over the last 19 years.  I gave in finally, spent many weeks and months writing, and Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise was published in July 2011.  In the last few months, some 100-150 copies per month of Love Never Dies have been sold or distributed through ChristianWorks, GriefWorks (http://grief-works.org/book.php ), Xulon Press, and online around the world through bookstores such as Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

When readers ask me how the book came about,  I tell them that over the last 19 years God has given me a grief ministry and now a book to minister to those whom  I would never have the time or opportunity to personally meet.   Since that ministry began and into the publication of Love Never Dies, I have just been along for the sometimes bumpy and many times rewarding ride.  Thanks go to Rob Pine, the staff at ChristianWorks for Children, all the families of GriefWorks, family members including my son Christian and daughter Sarah, friends and church family who have encouraged and supported me in putting together and distributing Love Never Dies.  But the true thanks and praise goes to my Best Friend and Supporter who has personally been with me for the journey and placed all these encouraging people in my path.

Today the blessings from writing Love Never Dies continue.  Churches, service organizations and grief support ministries are using the book to minister to mourning children, teens and adults locally, nationally and internationally.  I am humbled and thankful to all who have read and are passing along the comfort to others through Love Never Dies.  I could never have foreseen how God could use my story and this book in the ways that He has.

I am reminded daily that my story and your story are intertwined with God’s Story and Purpose for all mankind and to the glory of His Name.  We serve a God who does amazing things.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

By GriefWorks Director Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT

This month of May I have the privilege of addressing a class at the Pepperdine Lectureship.  The topic will be “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” the name of my  published grief survival guide.  In attendance for my class will be my 30-year-old son Christian, my 28-year-old daughter Sarah and my brother Jason.  I think it will prove to be a meaningful and emotional anniversary of my family’s personal losses of my wife and daughter nineteen years ago.

Anniversary dates in grief are significant for many reasons.  They mark the passage of time in the journey of grief, but these anniversary dates can also mark progress and change in the grief experienced and change in the mourner.  Anniversary dates, birthdays, holidays and other special days in grief bring with them each time they are experienced a sense of dread, sadness, and all the emotions that come with the harsh, piercing reminders that your loved one is not physically present with you.

The month of May each year for me contains an overwhelming list of reminders that my beautiful wife Cindy and my adorable daughter Katie are not and cannot be physically with me.  May 1 is Katie’s birthday.  May 9 is Cindy’s birthday.  Then there is Mother’s Day each year reminding me that my two surviving children are still missing their mother.  But the count of difficult days for me doesn’t stop with just those days.  May 15 is the day of the accident that took Katie’s and Cindy’s lives.  May 15 is also the date of Katie’s death since she died instantly in the crash. Two days later May 17 my wife Cindy died in surgery.  May 19 marks the annual anniversary of the double funeral for my wife Cindy and my daughter Katie.  Needless to say, the month of May is difficult for me and my children.   I would be happy if May could be removed from the yearly calendar permanently.

As time goes by these anniversary dates in May still carry with them emotional pain and spiritual struggle that simply come from missing valuable people.   My grief is different now, but it is still painful and it is still a struggle although it changes with the passage of time.  I never expect my grief to become completely easy.

I do not know how my endurance of the anniversary month of May is helping me to heal, but I just have to trust that it is healthy and healing.  I never want to quit loving Cindy and Katie.  Therefore, I will never quit expressing that love as grief as long as I am not in their physical presence.

Time in grief is a strange thing.  For me the 19 years since the deaths of my daughter Katie and my wife Cindy can sometimes seem like forever.  But many times when memories hit me and grief outbursts take place, it seems like the losses just happened yesterday.  What keep me going on are my faith and my hope that we will be reunited.  I have a feeling that when the reunion of my family takes place that time, the time spent in grief, and that the exhausting experience of grief itself will not matter anymore.

What I wish for you as a fellow mourner is that you can find hope and promise that will sustain you for the full grief journey especially during difficult days.  Grief is never easy, but with the right support, coping skills and good information, it can become easier.  I want you to find hope that your grief journey will not always be like it is right now-overwhelming and all-consuming.   I also want you to experience that you do have the promise of being supplied with all the resources-including people, information, support and comfort-that you will need to successfully get through grief.

For help for grieving children in GriefWorks, the free grief support service for ages 5-18 contact Janet Johnston at 972-960-9981 or jjohnston@christian-works.org .

For grief counseling appointments contact Laurie Gaddy at 972-960-9981 or lgaddy@christian-works.org.

To purchase a copy of Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise go to www.grief-works.org/book.php or online at Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

Guest Blog

DISPELLING THE MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SUICIDE AND GRIEF AND MOURNING

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D

Misconception: A misconception is a mistaken notion you might have about something – in other words, something you believe to be true but that is not true. Misconceptions about grief are common in our society because we tend to not openly mourn or talk about grief and mourning. You can see how we’d have misconceptions about something as ‘in the closet’ as suicide grief.

As you journey through the wilderness of your suicide grief, if you mourn openly and authentically, you will come to find a path that feels right for you. But, beware – others my try to pull you off this path. They may try and make you believe that the path you have chosen is wrong – even crazy – and that their way is better.

They have internalized some common misconceptions abut suicide grief and mourning. And the misconceptions, in essence, deny you your right to hurt and authentically express your grief.

As you read about this important concept, you may discover that you yourself have believed in some of the misconceptions and that some may be embraced by people around you. Don’t condemn yourself or others for having believed in them. Simply make use of any new insights to help you open your heart to your work of mourning in ways that restore your soul.

MISCONCEPTION: GRIEF AND MOURNING ARE THE SAME THING.

Perhaps you noticed that people tend to use the words ‘grieving’ and ‘mourning’ interchangeably. There is an important distinction, however. Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. Mourning is when you take the grief you have inside and express it outside of yourself. Over time, and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.

WARNING: After someone you love has completed suicide, your friends may encourage you to keep your grief to yourself. A catalyst for healing, however, can only be created when you publicly, in the presence of understanding, compassionate people who will not judge you.

MISCONCEPTION: GRIEF FOLLOWING SUICIDE DEATH ALWAYS RESULTS IN ‘COMPLICATED’ OR ‘PATHOLOGICAL’ MOURNING.

Research indicates that survivors of suicide integrate grief at about the same pace as those who experience any kind of unanticipated death. Obviously, there can be some natural challenges, such as combination of sudden chock, the natural question of ‘why?,’ the trauma of witnessing or discovering the suicide, the lack of support from family and friends, and the potential of ‘secondary victimization’ that results from cruel, judgmental or insensitive comments, but do not let this misconception become a sulfa-fulfilling prophecy. Do your work of mourning, and you will come out of the dark into the light.

MISCONCEPTION: GRIEF AND MOURNING PROGRESS IN PREDICTABLE, ORDERLY STAGES.

The concept of ‘stages’ was popularized in 1969, with the publication of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ landmark text, “On Death and Dying.” However, Dr. Kübler-Ross never intended for her stages to be interpreted as a rigid, linear sequence to be followed by all mourners.

As a grieving person, you will probably encounter others who have adopted a rigid system of beliefs about what you should experience in your grief journey. And, if you have internalized this misconceptions, you may also find yourself trying to prescribe your grief experience as well.

Everyone mourns in different ways. Personal experience is your best teacher about where you are in your grief journey. Don’t think your goal is to move through prescribed stages of grief.

MISCONCEPTION: WE CAN ALWAYS DETERMINE THE ‘WHYS?’ OF A SUICIDE DEATH.

Why the person took his or her own life can be a painful, yet natural, question to explore, but it is a question for which there is often no clear, satisfactory answer. My experience with many survivors suggests that you may very slowly, with no rewards for speed, discover that it is possible to live with the uncertainty of never fully knowing the answer to ‘why?’

MISCONCEPTION: ALL SUICIDE SURVIVORS FEEL GUILTY.

The sad reality is that some people will actually say directly to you, “I bet you feel guilty” or pose the question, “Do you feel guilty?” This is one of the most prescribed responses for survivors of suicide. In reality, as a survivor, you may or may not feel guilty. Besides, assuming you feel guilty is the opposite of my belief that you are the expert of your own experience and therefore you must teach me what you feel – I must not prescribe what you should feel.

MISCONCEPTION: ONLY CERTAIN KINDS OF PEOPLE COMPLETE SUICIDE.

This is a simple misconception to dispel. The reality is that suicide is a stranger to no race, creed, religion, age group or socioeconomic level. All kinds of people have completed suicide since the beginning of recorded history.

MISCONCEPTION: ONLY A CRAZY PERSON COMPLETES SUICIDE.

While the person you loved who completed suicide may have been depressed, anxious or hopeless, to be sure, most of us survivors don’t find comfort when people try to tell us the person was crazy. Not all people who complete suicide meet some formal criteria for mental illness, and, even when they do, we don’t need to hear that they were crazy.

MISCONCEPTION: IT IS A SIN TO COMPLETE SUICIDE, ADN THE PERSON WHO DOES GOES DIRECTLY TO HELL.

As one Catholic priest observed about suicide, “When its victims wake on the other side, they are met by a gentle Christ who stands right inside of their huddled fear and says, ‘Peace be with you!’ As we see in the gospels, God can go through locked doors, breathe out peace in places where we cannot get in, and write straight with even the most crooked of lines.”

Personally, I believe there are no limits to God’s compassion. God mourns with us. If God’s nature is one of steadfast mercy and love, then this is a misconception we need to keep educating the world about.

MISCONCEPTION: SUICIDE IS INHERITED AND RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

Be alert for uninformed people who may project to you that because someone in your family completed suicide, you may have the same fate. This projection is not supported by the facts. Scientific research has not, at this time, confirmed a genetic basis for suicide risk.

MISCONCEPTION: TEARS OF GRIEF ARE ONLY A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.

Tears of grief are often associated with personal inadequacy and weakness. The worst thing you can do, however, is to allow this judgement to prevent you from crying.

Sometimes, the people who care about you may, directly or indirectly, try to prevent your tears out of a desire to protect you (and them) from pain. You may hear comments like, “Tears won’t bring him back” or “He wouldn’t want you to cry.” Yet crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in your body, and it allows you to communicate a need to be comforted.

MISCONCEPTION: BEING UPSET AND OPENLY MOURNING MEANS YOU ARE BEING WEAK IN YOU FAITH.

Watch out for those who think that having faith and openly mourning are mutually exclusive. If you are mad at God, be mad at God. Similarly, is you need a time-out from regular worship, don’t shame yourself. When, and if, you are ready, attending a church, synagogue or other place of worship, reading scripture and praying are only a few ways you might want to express your faith. Or, you may be open to less conventional ways, such as meditating or spending time alone in nature.

MISCONCEPTION: WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE COMPLETES SUICIDE, YOU ONLY GRIEVE AND MORN FOR THE PHYSICAL LOSS OF THE PERSON.

When someone you love completes suicide, you don’t just lose the presence of that person. As a result of the death, you may lose many other connections to yourself and the world around you. These secondary losses can include:

Loss of Self

• self (“I feel like port of me died when he died.”)
• identity (You may have to rethink your role as husband or wife, mother or father, son or daughter, best friend, etc.)
• self-confidence (Some grievers experience lowered self-esteem. Naturally, you may have lost one of the people in your life who gave you confidence.)
• health (Physical symptoms of mourning.)
• personality (“I just don’t feel like myself…”)
• fiscal security (You may have financial concerns or have to learn to manage finances in ways you didn’t before.)
• lifestyle (Your lifestyle has changed and no longer feels safe.)

Loss of Meaning

• goals and dreams (Hopes and dreams for the future can be shattered.)
• faith (You may question your faith.)
• will/desire to live (You may have questions related to future meaning in your life. You may ask, “Why do on…?”)
• joy (Life’s most precious emotion, happiness, is naturally compromised by the death of someone we love.)

Allowing yourself to acknowledge the many levels of loss the suicide death has brought to your life will help you continue to stay open to your unique grief journey.

Now that we’ve reviewed the common misconceptions of grief, let’s wrap up this article by listing some of the ‘conceptions.’ These are some realities you can hold onto as you journey toward healing.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FOR GRIEF AND MOURNING

• You will naturally grieve, but you will probably have to make a conscious effort to mourn
• Your grief and mourning will involve a wide variety of different thoughts and feelings
• Your grief and mourning will impact you in all five realms of experience: physical; emotional; cognitive; social; and spiritual.
• You need to feel it to heal it.
• Your grief will probably hurt more before it hurts less.
• Your grief will be unpredictable and will not likely progress in an orderly fashion.
• You don’t ‘get over’ grief; you learn to live with it.
• You need other people to help you through your grief.
• You will not always feel this bad.

© 2011 Alan D. Wolfelt

In April 2012, GriefWorks will be hosting two educational events for the community & healthcare professionals presented by internationally known grief therapist, author, and educator:

ALAN D. WOLFELT, PH.D.
Director, Center for Loss and Life Transition, Fort Collins, Colorado

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012, 7:00-9:00 p.m.
Free Community Presentation: 
Exploring the Critical Questions Toward Healing After the Death of a Loved One

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012, 9:00 a.m.-3:30 p.m.
Workshop for professionals & caregivers:
Exploring the Special Features of Sudden Death, Trauma Loss & Suicide Grief

EARLY REGISTRATION NOW OPEN

Register and Pay Online

Download Registration Form

To find out more information, please contact GriefWorks Director Larry Barber by email at: lbarber@christian-works.org
Or by calling: 972-960-9981