By: Kenneth J Doka, PhD

Throughout a time of loss, it is critical to keep communication with a child open.  Only by doing so can we truly understand the ways that the child is experiencing grief, allay any fears the child may have, and support the child in his or her grief journey.

This means that we need to answer the child’s questions in clear and honest ways.  Two rules can help us here.  The first rule is to always understand the context of the question.  Gee, that is an interesting question, what made you ask that? Such a question helps clarify the child’s concerns or fears.  Then always answer in a way that is honest but also keeps the conversation going.  A simple yes or no leaves little room for further discussion.  For example suppose a child asks if you are going to die.  A response like Most people live until they are old, even old enough to see you children or grand children – that’s why Mommy always buckles her seatbelt and stopped smoking so she could live, I hope, a long life, is both truthful and reassuring.

It is also helpful to be direct.   The romantic stories we may weave and the euphemisms that we use might only frighten and confuse the child.  It is best to give simple, honest, and direct answers appropriate to the child’s developmental level.  If we do not have an answer, it is good to simply say so.  I do not know why Grandma had to die.  I miss her – what do you miss most about her?

You just never know how much you do for others can make a difference in their lives.  Recently ChristianWorks for Children Development Director Carol Pauley discovered how the many “small” kindnesses extended to families at GriefWorks makes a huge impact on their lives, their well being and their futures.  GriefWorks (www.grief-works.org)  is the free support group ministry for children ages 5-18 and their adult family members at ChristianWorks (www.christian-works.org) .

Carol was standing in the check out line at a local Wal-Mart when the lady in front of her turned around and excitedly announced, “Oh, you’re with GriefWorks!  My children and I used to come to sessions there after my husband died.”

The conversation continued with the former GriefWorks parent sharing with Carol just how much GriefWorks had meant to her and her children during one of their lives’ darkest times. “Is Pat Scott still there at GriefWorks?” asked the mom.  When Carol assured her that Pat was still leading the GriefWorks adult group, the lady added, “Please tell Pat how much I appreciated what she did for me and my children in those group sessions.  I can never thank her enough.”

“And are those dear, sweet volunteers still providing the home-cooked meals to the families before they go into their GriefWorks groups?” she asked Carol.  For twelve years generous volunteers have prepared home-cooked meals with truly “comfort food” for the grieving families who attend GriefWorks.  A majority of those families are single parent families.  It’s hard for a newly widowed parent to come home from a long day at work, cook a meal and then prepare the children to come to GriefWorks.

When Carol assured the GriefWorks mom that those volunteers still provide meals each session without fail, the mother took Carol’s hand and looked into her eyes.  “Tell those volunteers ‘Thanks’ from us too.  Providing those meals is no small thing.  We considered the meal times at GriefWorks ‘holy’.”

Who knew that as they prepared meals for the children and their family members at GriefWorks that what they were providing was considered “holy”?  But each meal prepared is just that – holy, sacred.  A gift from the heart of a generous volunteer that not only feeds the body, but feeds the spirit, builds community and makes healing healing possible in the pain and turmoil of grief.

Can you offer a gift of the heart to a grieving child and their family by providing a meal at GriefWorks?  You don’t have to be a great chef; you just need a willingness to help families in grief.  You don’t have to do meals for every GriefWorks session; you just need to volunteer for the number of times you can spare to help…once a month, once a quarter, or once.

And you don’t have to do it alone; you and your Bible class…or you and your local club or organization….can volunteer to prepare, deliver and serve meals to the GriefWorks children and families.  Call Janet Johnston at 972-960-9981 and let her know when and how often you are able to help with the GriefWorks meals.  And if you can’t prepare meals, maybe you know someone who can. Share this information with them.

In one small act of kindness for hurting children and their families you can provide a moment when they can break bread together…and to begin to mend broken hearts.

You will be creating for these families a sacred moment to heal.

Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.  Matthew 25:40

We parents have an innate desire to protect our child from the “negative” things of life, but when death and tragedy strike suddenly and openly, we cannot shield our children from the horror and grief that can follow.  We worry how death and loss will impact these young minds because they don’t possess the life experience or coping skills of adults…and death is a hard enough concept for mature, healthy adults to wrap their minds around.

Children learn about death, loss and grief with the help of parents and the adults surrounding and being there for them.  The general rules to follow when talking to your child or adolescent about death and tragedy are:

• Be honest.  Answer the child and give them information at their level of understanding and without sharing every shocking detail (see Children and Grief By Ages and Stages below).  Let them know that at any time they can feel safe to come to you with their grief thoughts and emotions.
• Provide comfort, support & security.  In dealing with death, loss and grief, children need to know that they are cared for and will be protected to the best of your ability.  They need to be reassured you and others will be there to help.  They need to feel normal again.  So try to keep them involved in as many normal childhood activities as possible.
• Don’t be ashamed to show your emotions.  If you cry or your voice wavers in the discussion with your child,  tell them that all people of all ages feel sad and grieve sometimes.  Let them know by your example that healthy adults and children naturally grieve the loss of life, especially of people they love or are close to.  Let them know that it is natural to be upset when tragedy strikes, and it is natural to feel sadness for others touched by tragedy.
• Remember you are modeling how a healthy, mature person shows their grief.  Don’t believe the myth that “You have to be strong for the children.”  They need to know that you are human and that humans grieving in a healthy way is natural.
  At the same time, try not to overact to the situation.  Grieve, but if you feel overcome at the moment, delay your discussion and find a place to grieve openly and without restraint away from the child.
• Observe your children for any signs of complicated grief.  If you see extreme changes in your child’s behavior (lingering anger, violent play, trouble at school, regressing to behavior of earlier ages), sleeping patterns (inability to sleep through the night, sleeping too much, nightmares), eating habits (loss of appetite, overeating) or unexplained physical ailments (headaches, stomach aches, other pain complaints),  you may want to seek professional help for you and your child.

To help you with knowing what your child’s level of understanding may be, here are some guidelines to use.

Children & Grief By Ages & Stages

Birth to age 3:

1. View of Death – The child sees death as a loss, separation or abandonment.  Death as a concept is hard to understand.  There is no sense of permanence.
2. Warning signs – Seek help if you see that the child is unresponsive, quiet, and sluggish, or changes sleep patterns.  Conversely, a child can “act out” and become aggressive, hard to settle and irritable.
3. Help the child – Keep schedules normal and remind the child of boundaries and limitations.  The child needs to know that there are still consequences to his/her choices and behavior.

Ages 3 to 6:

1. View of Death – At this stage, a child sees things as reversible and temporary.  Death and life are hard to separate.  They may believe in “magical thinking” and that their thoughts can cause things to happen such as a death, or bringing someone back to life.
2. Warning signs – Children can exhibit nightmares, confusion, eating, sleeping, bladder or bowel problems or regression to behavior of an earlier state of development.  Sometimes they may even seem to be unaffected by the death.  Do not hesitate to get help as soon as possible if the child’s behavior changes and continues.
3. Help the child – Talk about the death using books and stories.  Explain to the child that they did not “think” the death or make it happen.  Teach the child that what happened to the loved one is not controlled by his/her behavior.

Ages 7 to 8:

1. View of Death – Children start seeing death as final at this age.  The concept for many kids is that death happens to the old but not to someone their age.  Therefore, when death occurs to someone they love (especially someone they consider “not old”), many questions will emerge about death.
2. Warning signs – Children may have problems in school or they may become aggressive, quiet, clingy, or think they have numerous health problems.  Behavior like not feeling safe sleeping in their own bed is common.  Always be honest with children about the death and their emotions surrounding the loss.  Encourage them to talk and take what they say seriously.  Again, do not hesitate to seek help if their behavior changes and continues.
3. Help the child – Talk about the death in an open and honest manner.  Encourage the child to express their feelings in creative ways – through drawing, writing or story telling.  If the child asks complicated questions, answer them fully.  At this age the child is able to handle deep concepts and generally has a healthy curiosity.

Ages 9 and up:

1. View of Death – By now the child understands that death is going to happen.  By age 12, children know that death is final and irreversible.  They not only know it can happen to anyone else, but it can also happen to them.
2. Warning signs – Children may exhibit a wide range of feelings/behavior such as shock, denial, anxiety, fear, anger, depression and withdrawal.  Their reactions begin to be much more like an adult except they may act out their grief in behavioral changes at home and/or school.  Take their behavior and expressions seriously.  Do not hesitate to get help if their behavior changes and continues.
3. Help the child – Talk about the death openly and honestly.  Answer their questions completely to meet their needs.  Be forthright about your own emotions.  Encourage them to talk and listen patiently.  Do not try to correct their feelings.  Encourage the child to interact with other children their age in order to receive encouragement and support during their grief.

Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT, author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” Available on http://grief-works.org/book.php. Also available on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, and your local bookstore. Available now for Nook and Kindle.

While you and I prepare for the holiday season just a few days away, many of our friends and loved ones live in dread of the special days ahead when families gather and they will be reminded of their grief and their loss.  In their homes there will be an empty chair at the dinner table as everyone gives celebrates time together and an empty spot around the Christmas tree when gifts are opened.  During a time that used to be overflowing with joy and celebration, those in grief will be reminded of the huge hole in their heart left by the death of someone significant in their lives.

You can help mourning friends and loved ones this year with your presence, support and encouragement.  

• Reach out to them to let them know you are thinking about them.  Let them know that you are always available to listen and be there for them.
• Invite them to share a meal or part of the holidays with you and your family. Mourners should never be alone.
• Listen to them as they cry, share their stories, experiences, emotions and fears during the holidays without judging what they say or feel.  And please, don’t give any unsolicited advice.
• Help them with their holiday chores – shopping, decorating, or preparing their home for holiday visitors.  Offer to babysit children while they take a break to pamper themselves.

Many are giving their mourning friends the gift of comfort this holiday season by helping them to understand grief–that mourning is natural, normal and healthy.  Grief is simply the overflowing love in their hearts for that person who no longer is physically present.  Mourners need to know that grieving in healthy ways honors a valuable life and helps to heal their emotional wounds caused by the death of a loved one.

Don’t let your fears of doing or saying the wrong thing keep you from doing anything at all for your mourning friend or family member during these difficult holidays ahead.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,

Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT
Director, GriefWorks, CounselingWorks and KidWorks
Author, Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise
Available at http://grief-works.org/book.php or on Amazon or Barnes & Noble (on Kindle & Nook also)

The culture we mourners live in is not grief-friendly. Well meaning friends and family tell us they were hoping that we would be “doing better by now.” Bottom line and productivity-minded bosses give us three days bereavement leave from work when someone in our immediate family dies. Mourning employees are often expected to return to work and leave their personal business at home. As workers we mourners are still expected to make quotas and deadlines–as if nothing had changed in our lives.

Can’t we stop making mourners believe that they need to hurry up and get over their grief? Can we stop making mourners think that they have a mental or emotional disorder if they do not finish their intense grief on our timetable? Can we stop causing them to feel that remembering their loved one, feeling a twinge of pain and crying years after the death is unhealthy and abnormal?

Over sixty years have passed since the deaths of thousands that occurred in the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Each year in December, crowds still gather at the Pearl Harbor Memorial in Hawaii and cry over the deaths of brave young men killed there. No one walks up and says, “Oh, come on. It has been over sixty years since these people died. When are you weaklings going to get over it?”

This year eleven years have passed since the attack on 9/11. Each day thousands come to Ground Zero in New York City and cry over the almost 3,000 people killed there. No one walks up and says, “Oh, come on. It has been eleven years since these people died. When are you cry babies going to get over it?”

No one tells these Pearl Harbor and 9/11 mourners not to cry and not to grieve for two important reasons. The first reason is that those who died are important people whose lives need to be remembered. The second reason is that these are losses and historic days to be remembered because our world was never the same afterward.

Well, guess what? My losses of my wife and daughter nineteen years ago and your loss are our very own personal Pearl Harbors and 9/11’s. The people we lost to death are just as important to us as those who died at Pearl Harbor and on 9/11 are to those who continue to remember them. After our losses, our personal worlds will never be the same—just like the bereaved of Pearl Harbor and 9/11. Therefore, we as mourners will continue to remember our loved ones and the days that they left our lives for the sake of our natural, healthy mourning.

If our mourning bothers the bystanders observing our grief, we mourners are not the ones who need to “get over it.” No matter how well-intentioned the judges of our grief and its duration are they are ones who need to “get over” their clueless, uninformed evaluation of our personal grief. We mourners say this with all due respect to those trying to get us to stop mourning. We love and care for our comforters and supporters as much as they do for us. But we are not going to apologize for the discomfort or inconvenience that others experience watching us mourn in a healthy way. We are not going to compromise our emotional and spiritual health or well being by stopping our mourning for the sake of others who can not see what we need-to memorialize our loved ones on a regular basis.

Okay, I’ll step down from my soapbox now. I am sorry if my views seem a little harsh, but too many mourners starting their life path into healthy mourning and healing have their grief short-circuited by our culture. The problem is that our society considers talk about death and grief as unhealthy, morbid and taboo.

Living in an atmosphere where grief emotions and mourning are stifled we mourners sometimes feel forced to carry unexpressed grief and unresolved issues concerning a loss throughout our lives. We want to tell well-intentioned friends, family and helping professionals that mourning in a healthy way and maintaining a healthy spiritual and emotional relationship with a loved one who has died is not only beneficial and therapeutic for us–it is also our right as mourners.

From (c) 2011, Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT in “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” Available on www.xulonpress.com/book. Also available on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, and your local bookstore. Available now for Nook and Kindle.

Watch the Love Never Dies YouTube video http://youtu.be/-T0zt0ZSsNE. Follow me on Twitter.